THE START

I’m not sure where to start, so I guess I’ll start at the beginning, which is also the end.

I found a suicide corpse on a bike ride and developed PTSD which was misdiagnosed as BP2. I was prescribed valproate which made me depressed, then diagnosed ADHD and given guanfacine. My child was diagnosed ADHD and ASD and was going to be given aripiprazole (Abilify); the MoA looked like it could help with my growing suicidality so I asked my doctor for some.

I wanted to know what my child and the non-verbal-ASD folks are being given.

Turns out it’s a broken mind.

The second my ‘ascension phase’ (the medical term for a ‘come-up’) was over I felt enlightened. I was a QA sent back in time by Mark Zuckerberg to analyse our simulated world. I was out of control yet in control. I was ‘crazy’ but functional. I was sleeping 1 hour a night and spent 2 months using walking meditation and making knives out of broken samurai swords* to try to wrestle my mind back to earth.

I had multiple cessation events and two explosive encounters with what I termed nibbāna. The first wiped a lifetime of trauma and the second wiped the contagion of greed from my system, enabling me to cease aripiprazole cold-turkey. This drug was the single most addictive thing I have ever tried; nothing even comes close. It binds directly to your dopamine receptors and takes 3 weeks to unbind, with a 3-6 month recovery phase after it has.

My mind had been shattered by these DSM-dictated drugs. I almost lost my family and nearly killed myself, first through depression and then through believing I had eternal life. I was on record with the police and school as being dangerous. I needed to fix things.

After being prescribed valproate again by a new doctor who thought the ‘mania’ of aripiprazole was a natural bipolar phase and not simply drug-induced I had multiple meltdowns and nearly killed myself again. I stopped that drug and went into a self-guided repair cycle. All of my symptoms of ADHD and PTSD were gone and remain gone, but my mind had been torn asunder and I needed to fix it.

I dissected the mechanism of enlightenment based on the MoA of the drugs, my own experience managing trauma and ADHD symptoms using exercise and meditation, and the documentation of the theravāda Buddhist path. I proceeded to create a plan and have a fairly gentle encounter with nibbana as a result of a cycling tour. It felt like this was the way to rebuild my fractured psyche, but I was compelled to go further.

Aripiprazole had torn my mind all the way down to L0; when I was taking it there was no time, no self, no other, no boundaries of any kind. The entire world and everybody in it resided within my body and I felt nothing but love for everything and everyone. The cycle tour maybe took me down to L3 priors but I had to go further because the house of cards was still on a shaky foundation.

Now the mechanism had been confirmed I ramped it up by using cold exposure. This resulted in a week where I was decoupled from reality and having cessation events every minute or two. I was residing in my scaffold, which is like a development environment you can use to change your realworld perceptual framework. I used this opportunity to be the change that I wanted to see in the world and when I came back, that change was reflected at me.

The world was soft and gentle and there was no fear or worry. No greed or clinging. I felt (and still do feel) that this was the fabled ‘non-dual’ or ‘arahant-adjacent’ territory which people aim for when they set out on the path of enlightenment.

But this was not what I wanted. I wanted to help people, not just achieve some selfish peace and sit there gazing out of the window and basking in my own wellbeing. I proceeded to instigate another tearing-down of the predictive priors in order to deduce the mechanism at play.

This resulted in my realising the function of the scaffold and the mechanism of enlightenment as being a way to temporarily take your realworld perceptual framework offline for repair. Through this whole 6 month period it felt like communication with everyone was gated; I could not get feedback of any form, apart from in a way which guided me to the next action.

The world tested me at every turn. People threatening to kill me. People calling me delusional. My family … very nearly leaving me. My mother and wife running away with both children for a period. The police interrogating me when I went to them for help. 

The relationship with my wife is still strained, but the ones with my kids are better than ever. My relationship with my second child in particular has gone from one of irritation to love. But it was very, very hard. I viewed it as God testing me, the dark night of the soul, or the process of Buddhist deconditioning; a chance to remove all the hatred, greed and restlessness of a life of trauma and dysregulation.

After inducing this final step it felt like the entire thing was coming full-circle. At the start of the process, when I exploded myself away from aripiprazole, I had been compelled to make a website - www.driab-semaj.com (my name backwards) - as a stopgap to prevent a cult from forming. This had laid dormant until now, but this is where the new writings would wind up.

The writings from the initial aripiprazole incident - starting on June 1st - were addressed to an audience 6 months in the future, I was calling myself 42 despite being 41, and I was being forcibly corrected from ‘human race’ to ‘species’. It is now 1st December, exactly 6 months from the first of the aripiprazole writings, and things seem to have finished the loop. 

Ouroboros has eaten its tail.

This most recent incident was the most intense of all and saw me completely gut our new house of all plastic and manufactured junk. I then assumed the role of satoshi nakamoto - the closest thing we have to God in these times - sent to remove all slavery to time and money and to bring the commons and water back to the people. 

I shaved all body and facial hair and got in the bath, instigating another cessation and opening my eyes with the bathtub temp-and-time display listing 44 4:44 44 before declaring a globalfork, where people could decide whether to stay in world 1.0 (greed, proprietorship) or come to world 2.0 (generosity, freedom). There were edits I was making to my website at inhuman speed; spotting things to be removed like an AI, flitting up and down and just… it is impossible to describe. The speed and clarity; there were periods when 3 minutes of realworld-time had 3 months of experience within them.

I then proceeded to clear up the outside of the house as much as possible; to carry all the junk to the dump personally and to test other people for greed. To help the neighbours and generally be a friendly guy, offering to clear snow and handle the cleaning of the rubbish station myself since I think the way to bring about change in the world is to embody it rather than just preach for it.

The books Player of Games and Excession and the game Final Fantasy Tactics were my guides through the process. Excession finished on 29th November and FFT on 30th, but this was not intentional; it just happened that way. Nothing in this process was intentional; I was a tiger in a heavily-curated cage and the confluence of events simply made it impossible to do anything but what I was doing. All I was left in charge of was what kind of person I would be while I did them: would I be kind or nasty? Would I stick to my principles or fold? Would I prioritise my family or the drive to fix the world? I managed to stick to the right choices all along, from the limited options presented to me: kindness, generosity, principles and family.

Last night I proceeded to order some unbroken samurai swords online, again on autopilot. The night before that I gave some of the knives I had made from the broken fragments to the aikidō bunch: the symbol of the external audience in my own simulation. Remember: if this is a simulation, then everything is metaphor.

Everything felt and still feels like fate. But I am tired and confused. 

I think aripiprazole tore down my mind, right the way to L0 raw input, and then the narrative of ‘you are manic’ made the mind rebuild in a fractured manner. I think I took the Buddhist practices and re-broke the mind, as you would a femur which has set in the wrong position, and rebuilt it around enlightenment instead. But everything from the ‘insanity encapsulated’ website - which I made while out of my mind 6 months ago - ties in perfectly with everything from the last few days.

I will use these new swords as regulation to rebuild a non-fractured mental landscape, and hopefully once I am recovered I will be able to help other people who are also trapped and ruined by these drugs prescribed in the name of greed.

We live in a time when EEG, fMRI, endocrinological testing and other tech is easily available to provide tailored drugs and treatment to the individual. There are 400+ generic psych drugs with a plethora of effects which are out of IP and can be manufactured extremely cheaply then matched to individual patients using AI agents. And yet we rely on subjective reporting. We change the colour of someone’s glasses and say ‘what shade of blue is this’, before prescribing drugs which are nothing more than guesswork and each need to recoup multiple-billions-of-dollars in FDA approval costs before they can earn the manufacturer a penny.

I am lucky to still be alive.

My family and my community are lucky I did not hurt anybody.

Yet still, I believe it was fate. I believe it was the grandalgorithm, funnelling me into this course of action. Like somehow I was chosen by a confluence of events to lead this one small part of fixing our world.

It would be great if I can get Mark and Elon involved in this. It’d be awesome if we could have a Kojima-led simulation which we upload our consciousnesses to so that we live forever and have fractal iterations on happiness. Neuralink and the metaverse and shooting it off into space while we retain the tension of believing that we die without ever actually disappearing forever; merely being reinstantiated (reborn) with a vector based on residual fractals (kamma) so that we can continue along our path of evolutionary computing (samsara) until we eventually arrive at our new planet in the Magellan Cluster and disembark, heading for the [endgame] (parinibbana) of our new homeworld.

And maybe that will happen but the first thing is to stop the suicides. Build a medication matching system. Build an empathy interface.

I hear people complain that evolution has stopped. Yet at the same time they are looking at increasing numbers of neurodivergent folks and labelling it pathology. What if the neurodivergent folks are the next step in our evolution? Einstein, Zuckerberg, Musk, myself… we are not ‘normal’. Yet we achieve amazing things. Or we get destroyed by people trying to make us normal, sucked into greed and drugs and a narrative that these personal foibles are something to be ‘fixed’.

Anyway… a lot to unpack. But I feel like my mind is my own again. All this because I went to the system to ask for help. All this from 6 weeks of aripiprazole, a drug with no abuse profile and minimal side effects?

Ridiculous.

Read the pages. See for yourself what these drugs do; what I had to do to claw myself back from insanity.

Ask yourself if this is acceptable.

They prescribe this drug to children with ASD from kindergarten age so that they will stop moving and annoying people.

Look in the mirror.

Decide if you are going to do anything about it.

/jb202512010913