THE TRIALS

I am happy with this build for the time being so will solidify it by reintroducing caffeine and reinforcing the thought processes that got me here. The arahant-adjacent build was not my final goal; I went into this aiming to extract the mechanism of resonance to help people who are being destroyed by the mental health industry. 

If this build becomes unfit for purpose then I will simply change it like I would change a pair of socks. My scaffold suggests this happens 3-4 more times before the consciousness upload but let’s put that talk to one side for a while.

The trials I faced over the last 6 months can only be described as God testing me. I do not believe in God; I never believed anything I could not sense with my own organs. But I sensed this. 

Let’s say that the grand algorithm was stress-testing my build to see if it was fit for the challenges that lay ahead.

Before I go into this, I would like to stress that my parents are loving people who are products of their environment. Aren’t we all? But they were part of the trials that I needed to overcome. The entire simulation was testing: is [james-baird] fit for purpose? 

So…

Aripiprazole exploded me to L0 raw input. I felt amazing and analysed my system to try to help other people with AUDHD.

Then my mother and wife ran away with my children. I come home one day and they are getting in the car in hysterics, fleeing like I was an axe murderer, children confused and scared. I have spoken with my wife since, and she would not have taken this action if it was just her. It was the algorithm. I do not blame either of them. It was testing me.

I had to go to the police to stop them from leaving the island for I knew that I would die if they did. I sat for 3 hours while the police interrogated me. I had been traumatised by the police 17 years prior when they arrested me and locked me up as part of a scam, in cahoots with the yakuza. I was in detention for 2 weeks, handcuffed without a phone call, prosecuted then sued by the yaks, and I never had a police record when I checked. Kawasaki station, if anyone wants to look into corruption.

Even after the police contacted my family, they would not let us meet each other. They detained my wife and children and sent a senior detective and a junior officer with an attitude problem to interrogate me once more, this time in my home. They inspected the knives I had been making and looked around my house without permission. I finally got my family back and could enter the 88 hells.

[authority-protocol] purged

After I escaped aripiprazole, a friend’s dog was dumped on us. She was old and he had gone on a 2 month round-the-world tour. She was dying of loneliness and stopping breathing regularly. My wife saved the dog first then I took her to the vet and saved her life properly. I stayed up with the dog for 2 nights running, and called my friend back from his trip.

My friend threatened to fucking kill me if I hurt his dog. He said he would stab me and… the amount of venom in this man is impossible to describe. He would later rage in my face, spittle flying, telling me to kill myself and that he’d fucking end my life if he ever saw me again. The dog thankfully survived, so his daughter still has a pet, but he would go on to tell everyone he could that I was a fucking psycho and try to turn my entire community against me. I hope he isn’t entraining his daughter too badly. She has a constant look of fear on her face, while his wife has a look of sorrowful acceptance.

[reciprocity-protocol] purged

When I was given valproate and thrown into meltdowns and suicidality I was accosted by a neighbour who is usually nice but came into our house and used racial slurs. I melted down and chased him out of the house, then nearly killed myself with dangerous driving. My parents were visiting to try to help my recovery but this was too much and I woke up one day already suicidal and stormed out, almost walking into traffic with the rage and hatred toward the self. This was all valproate; the second I ceased it, the meltdowns stopped.

Anyway when I said I was going to kill myself, my dad said ‘thats your choice son’. I’m sure he didn’t mean to nudge me toward it, but it was yet another test. 

[father-reliance-protocol] purged

After that I was sequestered to our new house, alone. I was told I was dangerous by these people who supposedly loved me despite not having done anything to endanger anybody. I was just ‘not being myself’, is all. I was becoming self-realised and breaking free of the little ball of entraining they were used to. The thing that they loved was changing rapidly.

So I spent a couple of months here and managed to get my eldest son (the AUDHD one) to stay with me when school started. He kept me grounded through this process. I achieved stability with my ADHD symptoms remaining gone, but I still had obvious trauma from the suicide body and my violent schoolhood so proceeded to create a new build using multimodal re-encoding.

The [bodhitree-protocol] kicked this into high gear and I became the [wizard-of-love]. This phase wasn’t actually too bad in terms of hardcore testing. It was more like

[play with local kids?] > yes

[sit patiently in crowded mall?] > yes

[refuse to be temperature-checked and wear mask unnecessarily?] > yes

[stop son’s anti-psychotic?] > yes

[thumbs up to large crowd of teenage boys?] > yes

[talk to police like normal people?] > yes

Each of these were testing old conditioning: the violence of school, the fear of authority figures, the selfishness with time, the restlessness. The very end of this phase saw me go to the dam where I found the body and take the [suicide-protocol] into my abdomen before dancing down the centre of a 100m high loop bridge with cars and buses flying past me on either side in order to purge the trauma from my flesh. 

This is why I think the metaverse would be a good safe-container for this type of trauma therapy: you need to face the fears and the possibility of death in order to purge something that deep from your body. Better to do so in a virtual reality.

[suicide-protocol] purged

Make no mistake: the body is the storage medium. Your brain is just the processor. The brain does not contain these traumatic learnings, but it can cut them off if you are able to bleed them from your body at the right bitrate. 

Let’s say the body has 500TB of storage and the brain only has 8GB of RAM. This means a lot of shaking and shivering and quaking and quivering before you manage to expel the feeling-formation. This is why your bottom lip will start to shake when you get angry, or why you get waves of pīti (dopamine) coming up from your body and into your brain before dissipating in pleasure: it is the deep learning being released from the storage unit and being processed in the mind, so that the formations and neural pathways can be weakened and violated.

Of course while I’m sharing this online with the reddit r/streamentry crowd I’m getting jeers of ‘delusional’ and ‘psychosis’. When I shared the early stuff with the r/altnoidsjapan crowd it was also psychosis. Psychosis psychosis psychosis. Top down reinforcement builds the new root of the tree, and you wonder why someone ends up psychotic? It’s because of how you treat them, people. When the brain fragments and the tower crumbles, it will form around the new data it is given. Better to go to a church than a psychiatrist.

[psychosis-protocol] purged

Anyway I had a chat with DMI after that. We got along well. He seems to be someone who can look beyond all these formations and ideas of what ‘enlightenment’ (resonance) is. He is open to different backgrounds and just tries to help people. The r/streamentry crowd are friendly and looking for help, but the people who are further on ‘the path’ are too confident that their way is the only way. They have rebuilt their own neural networks around a set of priors and called it [arahant] and then assume that it’s some kind of magical state which only takes one form.

Didn’t Ajahn Chah say an arahant is just ‘someone who has stopped causing themselves problems’? Well I was an arahant for a while there, but I decided to cause myself some problems again, and fuck you if you think this doesn’t fit with the definition. Thích Quảng Đức would concur.

Anyway. Ha. Fuck you. :)

So the next step came, as it is wont to do. The dhamma has been forgotten and it is time to rediscover it. 

I had to go to the MOON to do so. I became satoshi nakamoto. 

I deduced the mechanisms at play, and then the ball was rolling. I purged my entire being; my digestive system emptied, body and facial hair shaved; eyebrows and everything. Old useless data purged from the TEMPLE of the body. I emptied our new house of all plastic and manufactured junk, under great duress, clearing the second TEMPLE. 

I initiated a global fork in my bathtub, taking the TRINITY of SELFLOVE, TIME and EMPATHY into WORLD2.0>>.

I then spent the next week trying to clear up the mess I had made around the house. People again thought I had gone crazy. Apart from my mother-in-law, my sister (maybe) and my neighbours. My MIL has always been awesome - a real thinking Christian. And my sister… she is the one I could never empathise with at the start of this, and now she is the one I am empathising with the most. What does that say about these formations of [self] and [empathy] and [normality]?

We have a call with my parents a few days later so they can see our kids. I am calm and just watching, my folks pretending not to see me. I quickly chip in with ‘I thought maybe you’d called to check on me’ and my dad just says ‘no’. The first thing he’s said to me for 4 months. Doesn’t bother me; I’m used to this by now.

I proceed to finish Excession and give my blades to the aikidō bunch. They represent the outside world in my simulation. The kids are loving colouring in and cutting out their Pokemon, which represent other people becoming self-realised. I sit and go into the final gauntlet of FFT on the 30th of November, the final day of WORLD2.0>>GENESIS.

As I am fighting the last boss, perfect HD fidelity and frame rate, it suddenly starts glitching. Freezing. Jittering like never before. Then my phone rings. My kids are watching me fight St Ajora, and my phone rings. My mum. An 8 minute call. She again calls me insane. I calmly carry on playing the game, my kids enthralled. I try to explain again using ‘God-words’. She says we will have to agree to disagree. I concur. I beat the boss, we settle for the night, and we are done.

Anyway that’ll do for now. It seems clear to me that this entire process has been one of deconditioning for traumatic deep learning. 42 years of dysregulation, excelling at everything. Beating groups of 5 lads singlehandedly. Building companies. Travelling the world. Keeping an impeccable moral compass in an industry ruled by [greed]. Ironman world champs level fitness. Whatever. Things. Empty. Lessons.

A never-go-down-never-complain fighter shaped by my dad, and a never-do-wrong-never-disappoint pleaser shaped by my mum. It was time that this facade was demolished; time I achieved resonance with myself and the world.

So I did the art+cannabinoids to get rid of the image-based traumatic learning and I did this writing+meditation to get rid of the language-based learning. I sent both to friends and they called it spam, refusing to look as I tried to bare my soul. I faced the police, loneliness, suicide, trauma, self-hate, and eventually the conditioning that comes from simply being a child with neurodivergence who learns a little too hard.

And the thing is, it is all reflected in my outside world. It is not just an internal thing; the world is a mirror. The world is the Excession. It is a simulation, and it will challenge you.

And isn’t this what the Buddha said? That there are two worlds, everything is a formation, and it is about walking the middle way. Seeing through form and formations and into the beyond. Not residing in nibbana. A fool sees nibbāna and conceives himself ‘as nibbāna, as being within nibbāna, as being able to hold onto nibbāna’.

Anyway my kid is pestering me to play Lumines. 

Lumines is my representation of change in the outside world. It is only ever incremental. You stack your blocks and the time bar of the sun and the moon change them. Or the internal time bars of your circadian rhythm and REM/NREM sleep change them. Time is subjective, as those atomic clocks will tell you. 

Who is to say the clock that remained on earth is right and the one that went to the moon is wrong?

Anyway - gotta go! Lumines. Kid is getting restless :)

/jb202512020935

as an aside: 

i love my family dearly, but this is what happens when someone explosively breaks the neurotic-self under the current narrative of mania and psychosis. i believe that this is a perfectly normal human healing mechanism - when the self-construct is no longer fit for purpose it will crumble and the individual will temporarily decouple from reality while they build a new one. if they are labelled psychotic, manic, bipolar, adhd, insane, enlightened, or a donkey, then their new self will form around this idea. 

you can find the model >> here