Even when I quit beer I managed to make it about other people. Or rather: I took the decision and used other people to make me stick to it. Maybe everyone’s the same?
So my first ironman I did ‘for charity’ - a great way to not back out. I built someone else’s company. When I built my company it was about my family and dreamers in AI. Beer: I was logging on every morning with some profundity I had cooked up through self-observation. Some to-the-bone kind of thing nobody else would say but had secretly thought.
I keep myself on the straight-and-narrow by leading the way for other people.
This site is for me. Or is it? It was started as a way to provide a platform for my family to build effective relationships with me. I maybe misrepresented this by being high-as-fuck and coming across as obnoxious, but this is me writing an instruction manual; it’s a pretty obvious effort from my side. However this feels intrinsically motivated, not extrinsically motivated. That’s new.
This sounds normal but it’s not; I think most people act in-line with other people because of intrinsic motivation or self-interest. They want other people to like them, so they are nice. Extrinsic motivation would be more like needing a stamp of approval for individual actions, I think.
So - I decide I want to instigate some change in my life. Quitting beer might be a little bit too relatable in that most people don’t go it alone, so ironman world champs. I sign up in a self-induced mania and then tell everyone. Personal and professional networks. I make it into my identity. I create a training plan and go on Strava and share every piece of data of every workout and use those ‘kudos’ to hack my dopamine system further.
This is all intentional because I know I won’t stick to the plan otherwise. Or maybe I will, to a point. But the completion - this is what I trained myself to do, by using the fear of disappointing others. Funny thing is nobody gave a shit; it was all internalised extrinsic motivation.
Extrinsic motivation does not need to be external.
We all (?) have internalised versions of our parents and teachers and friends which we are careful not to disappoint. Some people have an internalised ideal like god or a prophet which oversees and polices them, or who they can try to emulate in challenging times.
So we all do this, but I think that people with autism and adhd do it more.
It’s worth remembering that people with adhd have short memories and are easily manipulated, but beyond that, all forms of human relationship are manipulation. If I’m helping you through a hard time, I am manipulating you into feeling better.
Alcohol and drugs are addictive, but not as addictive as people. Make sure you choose the right manipulator. It’s like the tiger in the cage; all you can do it point the cage.
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