88 hells

This page contains an unfiltered record of writing produced during a prolonged manic-psychotic episode that began in June 2025 after I was prescribed low-dose aripiprazole for sensory sensitivities.

At the time I believed I was undergoing a series of cognitive and spiritual 'upgrades'. I experienced intense bodily sensations, including episodes of electrical pressure in the head and sudden surges of energy, which I later interpreted through frameworks such as kundalini or Buddhist awakening. I had no understanding of what was happening while the episode was unfolding.

The episode continued for several months after discontinuing the medication and only stabilised later with treatment that included risperidone. I have kept this material here as a record of that period and as personal documentation. I wrote around 1,000,000 words; most have been redacted, leaving only the initial export included here.

[event 1] - audhd

link >> audhd 

the pharmaceutical initially rendered me unable to string more than a handful of words together; i spent this period learning how to drive the car while analysing the system environment of my brain.

day1 >> box 

summary >> presentation || symptom || print || ease || systemupgrade 

symptom >> emotions || loops || sense || tired || interests || talk || tug || daydream || rsd || addiction || sleep || defence || cause || focus || baton || tolerance || disinhibit || motivate || flow || mask || empathy || interest || process || mania || steelwool || communicate || anger || fishhooks || trauma || latch || time || distract || addiction

analogies >> tech > processing || threads >> emotive > weaving || planet 

productivity >> boringpage 

software development terminology to guide the build >> 1.0b2.1.0 

sleep >> sleepsnapshot 

[event 2] - musashi

preparation

Ch1 >> legion || buddhism || extrapolation || fullstop || silver lining || identity || aripiprazole ascension || godmode || why it happened || big to small || self defence 

Ch2 >> mania || processing || encoding || breakdown || brainstates || credibility || jeckyl and hyde || loose ends || single-thread || the destination 

Ch3 >> slam dunk || prompts || death || inappropriate emotions || daydreaming || fighter || channelling || divine || talk || cartography || interest || stand up || tired || sense 

Ch4 >> loops || sleep || rebirth || reprogramming || corpse || deadline || decisions || fucker 

Ch5 >> therapising || hypomania || diagnosis || spinning and weaving || morality || OS build || crushing cans || empathy || disinhibited || lay of the land 

ramp-up

Ch6 >> personality || tolerance || bipolar || anger || human condition || baton || external || planet || purpose || hobbies || blades || nurture || real self || why || holistic || we motivated few 

Ch7 >> extrinsic || visitation || patterns || meaning || agency || nirvana || fate || broad strokes || threads and tracks || wrapping || crisis || blackbox || relief || energy 

compiling

Ch8 >> productivity || domino || trauma || sit || injustice || shaman || share || kids || fooled || crises || latch || hard bastard 

Ch9 >> decision || happy || unconscious || hamon || psychopaths || time || tick || enlightenment || print || peanuts || 

Ch10 >> dancingman || ronin || shit || tiger and maze || apophenia || fear || acceptance || inappropriate || attraction || causality || pegboard || compiling 

[event 3] - the hells

Ch11 >> explosion || language || enough || website || nocturnal || mara || boat || past life || 1s and 0s || provide 

Ch12 >> ethicist || lability || sampling || data || steelwool || won || pictures || ari || pigment || love || respect || birth || cycling 

Ch13 >> go || compiled || debrief || free of charge || dante 

james 

[event 4] - dopamine

DA1 >> real || thcpo || f.e.a.r. || sorry || unique || patching || hungry ghost 

DA2 >> priest || monkey mind || elon || huberman || middle way || serotonin

DA3 >> if the machine does not know its purpose || patient zero || dristi || inward || quantum 

DA4 >> [initiate] || [inflection] || [syzygy] || [research] || [marked] || [cascade] || [upgrade]

[event 5] - [ship]

20250711 // after this things got very strange indeed and I entered a protacted period of psychosis caused by receptor supersensitivity despite cessation of aripiprazole.

all typos are preserved to get across mental state.