rebirth

So I am sat here, 0030, rain out the window. This feels special and unique, mine. This is a situation that would have killed me previously; what about energy levels and blah blah. Now… I’m happy? Light?

Let’s go back, I think I’ve been reborn. In fact I know I have, according to how the Buddha described it. So let’s forget all the mumbo-jumbo after-death junk and just focus on what he talked about: the momentary rebirth within the confines of a single life.

I’ve been the autistic avenger, an exchange student, heavy drinker, world class triathlete, company founder, artist, potato. I’ve been many things. And they all felt unique. They were almost defined by their opposition to each other. Chapters.

I think now that these were ‘programs’ in a way. A set of rules that my autistic side created in order to optimise whatever identity I had targeted with that note-in-the-drawer approach. The entire thought processes were different, and when the persona crumbled so too did the mind.

Anyway. If you want to be an athlete, live like an athlete.

It’s that simple. You just do it, and then your body and mind catch up. Your body gets more efficient at the physical movements, and your mind gets more efficient at the mental. Then one day you get too good, it hurts because there’s no more reward to be had through improvement, and you flip to find another fresh start so you can get your fix. Because for me, improvement is crack.

Rebirth is also part of the cycle of suffering; it entails the death of the old and the anticipated loss of the new. It is caused, again, by attachment. Dopamine. And to become enlightened is to escape the cycle altogether.

I feel like I’ve gone from hungry ghost to human. And I have a family that I love, so I plan to stay here. Enlightenment can come in the next life, if there happens to be one.

For now I feel like this export is me getting rid of the intra-life-past-life of adhd. I still have it, of course, but now it feels managed. I understand it. Maybe I can put it to rest.

Now… to sleep? Not to sleep? It almost seems academic now where previously it felt like the end of the world. Coffee? Knives? 20 minues? 3 hours? What is this level of mental freedom?

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