So one of the quirks of my brain is that it hates loose ends. Absolutely hates them. Can’t abide them. It’s better now I am medicated but still… everything has to have a clear purpose and be optimised toward that purpose, apparently.

What are we talking about? Get to the point!

Where are we going and what is the most efficient route?

All the fucking time. What’s the best way to fill you day so you don’t have to sit still for even a second. Completely exhaust yourself and say ‘job done’; check everything off and all the boxes ticked so you can go to bed and start again tomorrow.

Then the purpose of it all is death of course. You are just working and doing all these things so you can get all your ducks in a row and say ‘jobs good’ and then die. That’s the whole purpose, really, isn’t it?

So this is where I end up. My thought process is one of extremes, I think because of how my brain formed. In order to get to D it has to go all the way to Z and back. Sometimes I get stuck at Z because there is no clear conclusion to the thread; no clear 'purpose' to things like life.

So yeah. That sucked. I still have it, of course, and hedonic adaptation will come into play and everything will have to be optimised again. But maybe not quite to the same degree. Hopefully not. 

Because the steel wool… the whole point of this website is to try to unravel it.

… a filtered reality, around itself curled. 

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… I also believe I have a more single-thread way of processing the world, and high compensatory speed.

What this means is that I tend to process simple things very quickly and complex things slowly. For example, data is fast and faces are slow. Not noticeably slow; I overclocked, but anyway.

So how this plays out in a conversation is that I jump 5 steps ahead when talking about the practicalities, while everyone else is dealing with the things their brains evolved to handle; multithreading / emotions.

This might be part of why I seem to lack empathy despite that not being the case. My brain is a cpu while yours is a gpu and I am processing the logic while you are dealing with the graphics. I will do the graphics later, and you will do the logic later.

You might have finished processing the emotions while I have finished processing the logic, so you get a rather terse ‘it’s so obvious’ kind of answer. My emotions are raw and the answer is old; for you it’s the opposite. At least that’s how it feels.

The threads idea would also explain why I go to such extremes with my thinking; my catashrophising knows no bounds. It would also explain the sheer agony that is a looped thought; when there’s no way out and you’re just spiralling.

And the threads are all because of short working memory, which is in turn because of dopamine signalling irregularity. This feels like a complete system, so I’m going to run with it.

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