So here I am laying my track and forgetting where I’ve been and someone comes in from the side with one of my prompts: anyway (change topic) then start new topic and once three lines of rail with stronger dopaminergic encoding (positive or negative) has been laid, I forget my own rail.

This is why adhd folks are so easy to manipulate. We hate it and we see it and yet time and again we are powerless to stop it. I am only just aware of this now; when I took aripiprazole it was like I saw god and all the manipulation in my relationships was translucent, with me like a spider in the middle.

Except I’m not a spider; I’m a fly. Or a train. And I am building the tracks and looking at my feet and it is so easy to change those tracks if you know the prompts. Near impossible if you don’t.

So - now to figure out my prompts. Make them intentional. Make sure I control them.

So = changing or resetting topic

Anyway = rewind

System model: a train, with only 3 pieces of track. Building as I go.

This is why I need to output; low memory. It’s also why I go so fast. The rails crumble as I pass over them and I need to get to the other side. I go too fast, so I need to figure out a way to slow the information down for others while being able to process it myself. Again - drugs is best? Gate it, rather than just trying to hold it in again. Can’t gate it. Not again. But it’s not an issue if I’m not with people; this website is a great way to output. Blabbing

Anyway

Low memory, laying rails, going 100kph. Is that even fast for a train? Anyway people can come in and fuck up my rails pretty easily with a ‘yeah’ or ‘uh huh’ or whatever. And a question from the side? Tangential? Please… let me finish my track first.

If you let me finish my track and step back then there will be something legible there for you, but otherwise it will be unfinished and whatever I was trying to communicate will not come through effectively. I will seem angry or uncooperative or flustered. I’m not. I’m just trying to find that last piece of track so you can see the picture.

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