5. deconditioning

I decided to stabilise dopaminergic tone and remove childhood trauma as a test-run before pushing for cessation.

I reasoned that the stages of insight were actually stages of natural dopaminergic cycling which first dredged up all your demons and then exported them in a cascade. I came to view the teachings of the Buddha as a form of trauma therapy.

Dissolution = decreasing tonic dopamine, low phasic dopamine

- sliding into apathy and depression

Dark night = low tonic dopamine, high phasic dopamine

- depressed but with surges of energy and angst

Equanimity = rising tonic dopamine, low phasic dopamine

- rising feelings of equanimity and wellbeing

Arising & Passing = high tonic dopamine, high phasic dopamine

- extreme wellbeing, clarity and creativity

Nibbāna is when data has been consolidated enough for the algorithm to optimise away all convolution. It was a case of taking 100 disparate processes and consolidating them in steps to 1 single process.

The intermediary steps would be A&P events and the final one would be nibbāna.

sittingmeditation <-- how I was approaching meditation at the time

righteffort <-- how the Buddha's teachings map to modern trauma therapy

I expanded these underlying principles and optimised them with exercise and intentional excitation at the end of meditation.

The method I used was to elevate tonic dopamine through steady-state cycling, 30-45 min duration. I would guide my mind to the painful thoughts and stop as they coalesced, texting myself but being careful to keep my exports neutral in tone so that I reprogrammed the memory with equanimity.

Immediately after getting off the bike I would sit and meditate. The elevated dopamine meant I felt like I was buzzing, with electricity in the air around me, and I would gradually calm this toward total equanimity.

When equanimity was reached I would put on headphones and blast my favourite house music then get up and dance as a form of somatic release.

3 days later, childhood trauma I had carried for 30 years was erased from my mind completely.

I also made this. It was done in the same vein as j2.0 but while I was focusing on the trauma from early life. This piece was never added to the website, but I didn't know why until later.

I was still doing my evening sessions of bathing and vocalisation followed by dopamine-focused meditation. This helped me consolidate my thoughts on the mechanism nibbāna and the nature of dopamine dysregulation.

I anticipated this phase to take 6 months but was done in a handful of weeks.