Finally deleted LinkedIn; another long overdue change. Wanted to record what happened over the last 2 weeks since it’s clinically significant and I still believe that a) this drug is a miracle and/or b) this is pretty strong stuff to give kids. So not 100% sure it’s necessary for my own kid.
Good data, see.
So. Drugs.
This was MDMA-lite for 2 weeks. 1 week for each dose increase.
I knew I wasn’t enlightened but felt like I had stepped from hungry ghost to human and was overjoyed. I still feel this, and positive, but not overjoyed. This fed into ‘hypomania’, but if I’m honest I think it was just a pharmacologically predictable effect of the drug binding to my dopamine and serotonin receptors. It was just FAR more intense than expected, because there’s no recorded subjective data in adults. It’s like a pill come-up spread over the course of a week.
So hopefully now it’s over and we live in the ‘kingdom of heaven’ or something like that; ha. At the very least this should put me in a better brain state, but the philosophical stuff I’ll save for other posts.
So…
I start Abilify at a theme park with my kid. I lose all appetite and ride rollercoasters. All good so far. I drive back… Errr.. Made it. Lots of floaty feelings, legs electric jelly, kind of buzzing a little but calm, hypermotivated. Not sleeping and no hedonic eating; only eat to appetite and not much of that.
Then on day 4 it was like ‘click’ and a light went on. Everything felt great, natural and amazing. My thoughts were butter. My joints oiled. ALL the tension in my face melted. And I became a lot more autistic and motivated; happy for the first time in over a year.
So sensitivities were kind of dialled up a little while caring about them (and other people!) was dialled down. Or rather they were shuffled; noise doesn’t bother as much but can’t process faces as well. Rsd vanished. Task switching was so incredibly easy. Whatever it was, it seemed to switch adhd off. It still seems to be switched off. So I’m hopeful that the ‘episode’ was just the med acting as expected. But the spectre of bipolarity lives on.
Then I upped the dose too quickly, 0.5mg to 1mg after 8 days. Shoulda waited but years as a drug user, final relief, if something feels good I’m gonna do more. Lesson learned - these are far more powerful than recreational drugs, including the ‘hard stuff’. These change things at a more fundamental level.
Anyway nothing dangerous happened but I did get a bit intense with my words while slack-facedly ‘sharpening’ (polishing) sword fragments so misunderstandings were bound to happen. Ha! I am still more ASD but happier about everything that ails me, and less things ail me.
I’m hopeful for the drug aripiprazole for adult ADHD.
So - I came out of a whirlwind of activity with this blog site, a better understanding of my ADHD and ASD, a newfound respect for pharmaceuticals, less baggage from a past life) I think that I somehow used the hypomania (I was high, guys, ffs) to set up the roots for my next life, and now I’m planning to let it grow, nice and slowly if possible.
This will be for me going forward. There have been a lot of misunderstandings around empathy and such over the years. I was working very hard for everyone else but there was something wrong with the roots that was affecting the fruit. I feel like I have the tools to heal the roots now, and everything else with time.
Many times over my life I have intentionally reprogrammed myself. This is the big one, and I’m going to try to take it slow and program myself to be a calm and happy person. It’s like each time we smash a persona we free up space for a new program. This was the global persona, and I feel like I have a unique opportunity to fill the empty receptacle with something nice for once.
Anyway feelin’ good. Time to rub some steel
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