The subjective experience: god mode
So… this all went pear shaped due to timing of a family visit. I was planning 0.5mg but since I felt too good, I was sent to the doctor for mania, and cleared. I then opted to increase the dose, since I felt too good, so… don’t do that. Really.
I’m interested in the scientific explanation for spiritual states after this little ditty.
So this was a spiritual awakening. The human experience, different language for the same thing, I interpreted it as an autistic awakening and tried to explain it in scientific terms. I had suddenly opened my eyes to my autistic self, and he was standing up fully formed, like a little homunculus. He had been there all along, and he was me, like the tatara bloom or a naked little terminator.
Motivation was +50% and I’m intense to begin with. I was so convinced that I needed to get this drug to the world asap that I just… moved. No choice. One hour of human suffering was unacceptable in my mind. Dopamine. The anger. I knew I needed to use it before it vanished, because this is how I’ve done business and stuff all my life. Task initiation with anger. Yet I also felt more calm and collected than I’ve ever been. Thoughts like silk.
… and I think in a way I was. Because I think this drug does treat all of my ADHD and ASD issues. I have no more volatile emotions or RSD, yet. Task initiation and switching is easier. So I think on one side it was treating things clinically and on the other side it made me high as fuck.
Got me thinking seriously again about identity, rebirth, past lives, etc. I felt a lot of that; intuited it but in a scientific ‘fragmented personality’ sense with the personas I have adopted over the years. I felt a gradual coalescing of these disparate pieces into a coherent narrative.
There was a kind of falling away of the ‘steel wool’ I came to visualise in my mind; I now think this was what Buddha called volitional action; the rules of engagement. All those expressions and eye contact I maybe-remember practicing in the mirror as a kid were wiped. I felt my brain’s ADHD defence mechanism (is that a thing?) kick in and change dopaminergic encoding for various people and memories. My anger at the world disappeared.
All the wellbeing and satisfaction I should have felt from past accomplishments flooded me. I felt warmth and happiness, and peace. My IQ felt like it had increased by 40 and my brain was on rails. If I had been in a religious congregation I would have been speaking in tongues but I felt I needed to preserve things as raw as possible so texted myself a lot with info.
This info was all these little ‘hacks tailored to myself. I also went a bit mad on trying to figure out my brain, and a coherent system model to understand its strengths and limitations. I actually think I might not be far off and will use it as a seed for when I next head down that rabbit hole.
So yeah…. It was a ‘falling away’. 100% it was. I literally saw the steel wool fall away and lost my cravings. Still had preferences. It wasn’t a complete extinguishment of self but a partial one, and I tried to guide it as it proceeded.
It was… interesting. And I ended up with one more blog and one less LinkedIn account. A fair trade.
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