I guess the problem for me is the same as the buddha and all; the language didn’t fit. Psychology. Tech was always closer.
Anyway identity… it’s no wonder autistic people around my age have issues with it. ‘Nothing special about you’ and ‘everyone else matters’ is a dangerous combo. But hey.
I guess identity stems from a basic understanding of how you function, and that understanding is reinforced by the fact that peple around you function the same. You function differently = you hide it. Fit in. Survive.
Anyway I think identity… well I guess I never had one. Or maybe I had one and it was crushed when the rules of [nice town] were asked to function in [not nice town]. I don’t know.
I had lots! I did ironman to high level, built multiple businesses, drank and partied heavily, meditated loads… all kind of sequentially. I would go hard for 5 years; get really into it. Break it down into chunks. Build a process, optimise, all these rules in my head, and then… snap. Kill my joy.
I wonder if this is what the Buddhist and other aesthetics talk about when they say ‘kill the self’. Maybe they focus so hard on the pain they are causing that the brain’s defence mechanism kicks in and they go ‘bang’ no more self and all they care about is the world
I don’t know but I know that the recent experience as positively religious. Brain states, etc. It was like seeing god. But is seeing god seeing patterns and seeing patterns autism. Is the self observation the Buddha talked about to do with the autistic side ‘managing’ the ADHD side?
There were what… 88 hells? I can get that, with my shit squirters goin. And the difficulty of achieving it.
Anyway. The extinguishment of self… I think that’s what breaking a mask is. The destruction of volitional action.
I wonder if this is what the buddha mentioned when he talked about volitional action. Falling away of the self. Learned behaviour. I wonder if the mask is what he talks about, and if somehow he turned that self-defence mechanism on himself.
I wonder if somehow the various ‘level-ups’ you can do (like me: hungry ghost -> human) are when you break a partial mask. A persona. That’s how it felt when I made the Recruitin’ piece. This feels bigger.
So we all have masks. They’re essential. They’re the branches of the tree. But most of us have a trunk, because of coherent dopamine signalling and time cell function I think. ADHD would kill that trunk, and fragment the personalities. Or for me it did. 5 years here ;bang; 5 years there ;bang;. Always gone. The pendulum flips and I hate my joy. The extinguishment of craving and desire.
But they’re still in there and right now they seem to be coming together, because I’ve finally removed my global mask and gotten myself some roots. I think this is what I had to do in my hypomanic episode where I was borderline seeing god. I had to get my roots established so I could grow a person.
The parts are there and feel like they’re drifting together, like asteroids. I feel hopeful. The meds… well they blew my head off for a while if I’m honest. But maybe chanting could have done the same.
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