Good morning! I have no idea who I am writing to. Who are you? Who am I? How many am I? I am legion. Nobody’s reading this yet anyway. But they will.
So I’ve put to rest all my personal concerns about aripiprazole. My final remaining concern was how good I felt but; I have an explanation for that now. It was pretty challenging. Life events. Not understanding your brain. Losing your facial expressions. Becoming happy. Completely losing rsd. All a bit of a whirlwind. Yet also… the calmest I’ve been in my life.
And calm I remain. The adhd is gone from me and my child. The asd I like. I’ve only known it 2 weeks, but it’s a friend. The adhd.. he was a dick. A total shit. You wouldn’t believe. No wonder the bullies at school never bothered me; the real bully was within.
But we knew that all along
Why else would I excel at everything
Get to the top but not enjoy the view
The forager ant
Always onto the next
People follow me, stay a while
I see another mountain
I am compelled
It was exhausting and impossible to tun off. It felt like an MDMA comedown, every minute of every day. Even imagining going back makes me want to crawl out of my skin. And I thought this was normal for 42 years. And it’s … it’s gone. Overnight.
I still sit down occasionally and get that pang of habit. The nng to move. But it’s just thought now. I’m very active, but I stop. It’s a choice. Dopamine … is a very misunderstood thing. Every single action we do in our entire lives is to try to maintain stable dopamine levels, and my sink was broken. It’s not a case of more or less, really. It’s stability.
Anyway putting that aside… I feel so much better. Words don’t suffice. And there’s a storm in my life. But not in my house. And I know if I have this cheap generic drug, I will have a happy life. And I’m not a potato. I’m more functional than I ever was with ADHD. My thoughts are like silk. My IQ has doubled and my joints are buttered.
The world has gone from being very scary to very warm. Everything will be alright. This is new. So… I’m now an outgoing autistic guy who has been ragged around the world, business, athletics, quietly collecting data, in a terrifying world. An AI. Trained.
This tatara is ongoing but when we crack it open I’m hoping for something fucking tough and fucking nice. I am trying to feed it positive emotion and intention, because I think these 4 weeks will be the source code for the next 40 years. My anger at the world is melting; I think it’s delayed processing from a lifetime of meditation. I honestly believe that this neurotransmitter state might be what people call religious encounters, but I’ll stop there until I have more data.
Anyway; not crazy. Just different. The raw data would make you think I’m mad but so would 00001010111010001011101. So what? Different OS.
Anyway I think I used the last of my anger to get the ball rolling on this. I think it’s gone now. Forever. The underlying rage, that is. I can still get angry when needed. But I’m calm as fuck usually because nothing is intimidating after the internal life I’ve lived. Calm as Zuck.
So I’ve got some stuff to do. Will consolidate for a while. Take a breather. Then when the processing picks up and I’m waking at 2 with backlogs to export, I’ll be back to formless crap. I’m hoping that sharing the process might make someone somewhere go ‘oh!’ Because if ADHD and ASD both have infinite permutations, then there’s some kinda combinatorial explosion going on in my head.
Laters. Not like anyone’s reading this anyway.
James
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