The level of self-acceptance now is hard to fathom, after a lifetime of self denial. Sexual attraction to men? And not bothered in the slightest; in fact a strange situation where I’m definitely not interested despite being just a little curious.
Anyway this definitely isn’t a site for sexual musings.
It’s hard to explain. This is not only a lifetime of self-denial but also a lifetime of denial of selfldenial. I am normal! This is how everyone else is functioning. They just aren’t working as hard. Why aren’t they working so hard? Ah.
I mean… I built Japan’s first AI recruitment company and made a very respectable name for myself. The best. I was willing to burn it all for the chance of getting these meds to the world. I contacted people who have built multiple successful AI firms and showed them my unformed ides. That is a crazy level of self-acceptance.
I’d rather be laughed at than not move. And no matter what you say, most people would dance to a song to avoid being laughed at. But I just don’t care any more, because I am me and if you don’t like me then you are not me and that is ok. Go do you.
And there’s no venom in that any more where previously there would have been. Thee’s no part of me trying to compete with you and beat you and win. I can accept you, too, thought I can never accept that Blond:ish dares call a song ‘self love’ and then just scream ‘self love’ over it for 5 minutes. Thanks.
Must. Love. Self. Harder.
Not. Loving. Self. Enough.
Has the ‘self love’ thing gone full circle into the self-hate of self-improvement? Are people now angry at themselves for now being able to love themselves enough? Or was that just me.
Oh god the internal reprogramming. The buddha with his pairs; this was me on the micro every second of every day. CBT only half worked because I was already doing CBT internally. Not just conscious CBT but the unconscious trimming of the hedge mazes ‘CBT’ that happens when we cajole ourselves into doing something. I got very good at that.
I’m surprised I’m not in jail.
Have been. Got locked up for a fortnight once. All these small things. Jail with the med would have been preferable to freedom without. No external jail can compete with the internal one.
I love the Japanese word 自閉症 - autism - ‘locked in syndrome’ if literally translated, because this is how I always felt. I was locked inside, like in the Selfie picture. The autistic guy does not and will never accept the adhd guy. Same dynamic as a parental relationship. Autism just cannot accept the volatility of adhd, and adhd just cannot accept the overbearing order of autism. So I flip hard from one to the other, but meds have pushed me into happy autism as a baseline.
Getting up at 11:30 to write? I went to bed at 8. And I will go to bed again, probably after sunrise. This is fine. I remember watching TV til 4am on school nights when I was young. Anything to avoid brain.
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