Maybe I’m writing down all these rules as a way to reprogram myself. Like I have all my life, just on a much larger scale. I think when we got kicked out of the UK it took a month or so to change the narrative into it being our decision (it was) so I guess that changing the narrative on 42 years of life will take a while.
It’s happening though. So attraction. Attraction doesn’t mean someone’s nice to look at. There are plenty of beautiful people who are repulsive enough to turn my stomach.
Attraction is a kind of magnetism. You’re drawn to someone but you don’t know why. Pheromones is what they’d have screamed in my childhood but it’s more nuanced than that.
I wonder why ND folks pick up on each other. J1 saying that only 1% of people are worth the effort. In terms of becoming real friends who can have real conversations, a small amount, and that is likely due to neurodivergence.
I guess I need people who live in a scary world?
Maybe that’s what we pick up on? Maybe it’s something else? But I’ve literally been stopped in the street by someone who was like ‘you, friend’ and now we’re good mates. There’s something there, and it must be in the microexpressions or motion or something.
That said, most ND folks annoy me too. Most people, actually. Not as much any more, but there’s just too many of them. Didn’t our brain evolve to handle a max of like 100 relationships? Even 10 sounds too much for me and I’m gonna crack out the meteor because I can feel the steel wool.
And gone within a minute. Slack jaw, meteor rubbing, eyes out of focus, but it releases whatever was trapped in my brain and allows things to flow. I think it’s because your reward centre goes onto the task but the task is easy so you can still process elsewhere.
Anyway attraction and repulsion are both handled by dopamine and I have irregular dopamine signalling. So my attraction to some people has been too intense, as has my repulsion. Although how intense is ‘too intense’ is debatable. I was bad at dating and text messaging; I was not a stalker. But maybe stalkers are suffering from monotropic thinking eh. Maybe a med could cure stalking?
Are we getting into really murky ethics yet? Do we have free will or are we just curating the maze? Should we create an AI that can curate our maze better, so our tiger is happy and doesn’t eat us? Or is the ethical thing to suffer? Where’s the cutoff point? Do you choose to suffer more so you can make art and then just ‘dial it down’ afterward? This will be some really fun stuff to wrestle with.
This is why I wrote down the moral code; it’s maximising brain chemistry for the maximum number. It allows me to marry my conscience with my logic, where previously they sometimes clashed.
Anyway I’ve been increasing my dose of aripiprazole this last week and have been extra motivated. I got the business thread started and I’ve got loads of work to do on the personal front. Meds are being titatred and I’m increasing abilify. I’m getting used to the new baseline; this is why nobody bothered shouting about it before. It induces complacency because your world isn’t as scary. But I’m also a bit tired so just following the winds.
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