Can’t get this chap out of my head. At the convenience store. 25 maybe, looks like a cool, nice guy, baggy clothes, couple of tattoos. He’s facing the wall, on the balls of his feet, kinda bouncing from foot to foot, smoking, rolling his shoulders, rolling them, getting the tension out, bouncing, rolling his jaw. Head side to side; has to keep moving like a boxer; no idea he’s been in withdrawal his whole life.
This is a dangerous man.
To other people he would probably look like a nice guy. Outgoing, fun.
Dangerous.
That man was barely in control of the overstimulation in his body.
He was doing well to bounce and roll. Good on him. He was coping. Poor guy.
I could feel the rolling. I’m sat here typing, doing it. My shoulders and neck and spine and everything rolling and opening up and ready for a fight.
This is a dangerous man.
He’s not any more. But he was. And he was so incredibly disciplined against that internal storm that you never saw it. The bullies at school saw it. The bouncers saw it. I don’t hate those bouncers for turning me away now. I know they saw the violence, where I did not.
So these are all huge realisations for me and I have to share them in real time. It has to happen like this. It has to. Because this is the only way it can happen. There was a mask. There is no mask. There will *never* be another mask. Not a global one. And this website is insurance against it. This website is me protecting myself from myself.
But the beast feels restrained, still. I had to let it out for a bit there. Early 2025 was volatile. Testing on the fight; picking on mercari. How companies lose their way when cash comes into play. But I needed to know if I was totally broken or not.
I was not.
I am still picking up the pieces but - here’s the important bit - I’m choosing which ones to pick up. This is the reason for the structure, the reason for the words of the buddha. I’m not just trying to translate them into modern scientific language for a business plan. I’m trying to use them to guide myself in rebuilding a persona and making sure that it is a *good* and *kind* person.
Because here’s the thing - I was not a dangerous man. I was very restrained. It took half my life energy. Just to restrain that beast.
So the part doing the restraining is like this hypertrophy alopetia chimp motherfucker Jambo bastard but he’s a kind bastard. He’s compassionate but he’s a fucker too - he will tell you to eat a dick if you’re being bad, because he’s spent his entire life telling himself to eat a dick when he was bad.
So you’re asking what this fucking tatara has cooked up?
It’s an ethicist.
Bitch.
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