I guess because I’m autistic i need definitions and goals. Probably to do with identity issues and memory issues - one definition is easier to hold in mind.
I wonder how much of my life to date has just been going through the motions. My poem. The only poem I’ve ever written, outside of school, just fell out. I wonder if each of those verses was trying a modality of living to see if it worked.
But if my brain was a pinboard with all the pegs occupied and yours has a nice smooth line from one edge to the other, no box is going to fit. None. They’re all going to vibrate apart. So I optimised them and then smashed through the programming because I’m just incompatible,
I’m asking my family how much of this website resonates. I have gone into detail here and lot of the explanation is 80% accurate 20% extrapolation… but the point is I want to know whether this is just an extreme version of normal thought or if it’s flipped over into something new.
If it’s something new that doesn’t matter. Evolution is still happening and hypotheses are still being tested. But I need to know. Have 0% relatability would be disappointing but also validating. 100% compatibility isn’t gonna happen.
It’s crazy really.
And then empathy. I’ve been alone.
Always.
My dad. And my son, but he’s 7. And I hope he never will, because early medical intervention will change his brain into a nicer place.
But me and my dad I think. The only person who gets me. But the clashes. The clashes and the pain. The only person who understands your brain and the only person who can say the right thing and it’s just impossible.
Because they’re ASD and you’re fucking adhd unable to control himself despite being asd inside. And then their overwhelmed by senses and snappy and rsd and fucking hell man. The only person.
There are those who do not realise that one day we all must die. But those who do realise settle their quarrels.
We realise. It’s time we settled. Enough. I know me now. I can handle me. I want to meet you properly. I’ve been trapped inside this madman my whole life and I am really struggling to get this out. but it needs releasing we need to move forward this shit has to end.
Fucking pegboard.
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