Well I guess I got my 4 hours for the night! Seriously I think that’s all my time cells allow me because adhd had me skirting the very edge of exhaustion for most of my life. Maybe this is how I sleep and how I’ve always slept. It feels like I’m getting twice as many days; this last month feels longer than a year in many ways. I guess a lot has happened.
Yesterday the steel wool coalesced into a singularity and it felt good; it didn’t hurt. It was a guided coalescing and the singularity was an easy pop, not a ragged snap. I don’t know what I’ve got yet; there’s a lot in this brain and it’s like…
So the dying down of craving intensity as you get older is something I didn’t experience. I just got better at hiding it. Maybe. Exhausted. But better. My coping strategies had gone through the roof and I was ironman businessbodying my way around willy nilly. Anyway.
We medicated away the emotional intensity a little (though when increasing ari dose it temporarily returns) and it turned out I was a robot underneath. This was a big surprise to everyone. My mother was visiting at the time and her son suddenly became a robot who has taken some speed and a pill to boot.
I had a pegboard brain, and everything had just been exploded into a fragmented mess. I was going through a hard reset as my mate said; a recalibration. Great terminology. And I’ve been here before, just not on the same scale. Plenty of breakdowns and reprogramming throughout my life. Pegboard. Explode. Maybe there’s something there and maybe psychedelics help us by exploding out those volitional thoughts.
Freud or Jung couldn’t have seen me through. It had to be computers and buddhism. Computers to understand the system, and buddhism to understand the self. And I had to _know_ this was true. How to do that? How to know it’s not just another mask?
You speak in tongues to yourself, embrace what everyone calls mania, use the energy, and *commit*. Share it with people in real time so you can not fudge the data. Pretty scary doing this.
Anyway I had a pegboard for a brain underneath it all. It wasn’t a nice flowing river like most, because it never had space to breathe. It was a pegboard with taut string tied all over; Jackson Pollack. And last night it all just pulled up and up and up from the centre of the spacetime trampoline and pop - I had to delete the old blog posts because suddenly I was client facing and I needed a user interface. This website is it, for now, but I’m nearly fixed. Family relationships come next though. Nearly fixed in terms of the progress curve, but that’s only 20% of the total processing time.
I feel complete and strong. Solid like Jambo. Disparate but coherent. The realignment I mentioned has happened; the resequencing of memories as I sleep, I think. Just the next layer; maybe the operating system. That’s about where we are now: OS level. Last layer was hardware. This is soft.
So I need to get fully deployed before I can try to lead this business which is why I have stepped up and just gone ‘fuck it’ to looking crazy to a select few people I know and trust. These are big people, big fish, and if they trust me throughout this I will actually be surprised. But I persuaded them to trust me from zero before and I can do it again. I will still have an echo of personal equity there.
This idea is so big. I don’t want money; that’s the thing. I just want to help people.
But that doesn’t sell. You have to make them see the greed; you have to use their addiction. But I don’t want to do that yet. I want to build a nice and kind person who is utterly, utterly immovable. Because another overall goal will be to act as a form of ethics police for the CEOs of this world.
The Elons. My opinion of Elon… well I don’t like him. But pragmatically speaking, I wasn’t too worried until the last few months. Now the backdoors are in the system but he seems to have kind of lost it. I think he needs someone to hold him in the rails, just like I need someone to hold me in the rails, and I think I can do it. I think *he* can be the CEO to maybe handle some of the incoming AI (this tech is incoming Elon or none). Any CEO needs a technical understanding. But any emperor needs a moral compass. Anyway. This is a god hypothesis I feel isn’t unlikely so I’m going to hold onto it.
For now - fix self. Follow buddha. Delve into the absolute depths of your mind. Realise that if you go to bed at 18:30 you are going to wake up at 22:30. I guess I have 4 extra hours to my day now.
Maggie Thatcher was like this wasn’t she? Maybe I’m one of them? Maybe I’m actually quite capable and intelligent but my adhd kept me dancing like a lunatic.
Let’s see. The content will still be thick and fast for a while but it feels like it will be more considered? Maybe.
I’ll still have plenty of fuck you posts I’m sure.
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