I feel like Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde, waking at night and gating the fight. I honestly think this is what’s happening; I think my brain knows it needs to process this solo so is choosing the nighttime to do so, and then reverting to dad-mode during the day. Last night I worked on the business plan and a bit of art. I barely remember what I wrote.
But it’s always been like this. I’m in the moment or I’m not, and if I am then I’m not in my memory. If I am in my memory then that becomes my moment. I don’t know how I feel about this. Mostly a kind of melancholy that I can’t hold a coherent narrative chain in mind about how I came to be with such beautiful children and wife.
So that’s sad. But that’s me and it always has been and I’ve never known anything else so no point crying about it. I’m crying about it.
I guess you play the hand you’re dealt. I’m a fighter and a lover. And right now I need to separate the two.
I tried looking at the business plan website just now during pancake day and my stress levels spiked, so I will not be doing that again. Anything to do with the business stays with Mr Hyde. Dr Jekyll loves his kids and does not snap at them because he is mentally composing emails. Not any more.
The idea seems valid and like a solution hiding in plain sight. I skip-think and spot solutions that are just lying there. But I can’t handle it while I rebuild the self. So I need people who I can asynchronously pass things over to and they look after their charges while I just kinda check in while my family are sleeping.
… maybe. I don’t want to plan this. I don’t want any steel wool. Not yet. There will be lots. It will hurt. But it will be worth it. I build processes. I can build a process to solve other peoples problems the same way I solved mine and my child’s. But I need to be able to decouple from reality in the nighttime and have my family reel me back in when the sun’s up.
Diverge. Converge. Optimise. Save lives. How many? It’s a big fucking weave, mate.
Don’t look at the mountain. No. No mountain. It’s there whether you look or not and you started the path.
Now you just look at your feet and keep walking.
Remember to rest.
Remember you are not alone.
Go.
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