The combined suffering my ancestors must have gone through... 1442
No wonder I could never accept who I was. Am. Who I am. I wasn't anybody. I was a construct. Or was I? I.. saw photos of my old life. The 42 year long life, not the 6 week long one. I can't look at those photos yet. That man was in so much pain and working so hard and he thought he was ... i don't know .. that this was all there was in life.
And if it wasn't for this pill, that would have been it, apart from the occasional high from illegal drugs, along with the cognitive dissonance that comes from an adhd family that's half dead from them.
This is going to be ups and downs for a long while, but also you're increasing 1.5-2mg ari, same as your son. Day 2. Each previous increase has brought a cathartic crying and such in proportion to the dose.
Did I even have a life? A personality?
My experiences are valid. That's true. My kids. My wife. My family before that. They are valid. They are more valid than me. Than him.
So how can I shape that past life? Fucky fuck this is gonna be fun. stomach in knots. I guess kids back at school tomorrow; time for another sprint. I do get tired. But this has to happen. I can't put the processing after 42 years on hold. Now it's started there's no stopping it and I can use it for something I just know it. It can help someone, even if that someone is just me, or my neurodivergent child who has the same brain-o-type as me.
And to think: all this crying is a huge improvement. I didn't cry after early childhood. Maybe someone told me not to. I don't know. But crying is how we release cortisol so how the fuck are you supposed to process certain things without crying?
This body has been keeping one hell of a fucking score. I want it out of me. Gone.
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