Well this med is being trialled for trauma therapy too because of emotional lability I think. Might as well make the most of it. I really don’t enjoy this come up period though. I’ve had enough thrills.
Had a chat with someone in the outside world. Someone I’ve not spoken with in a long time, but who I liked and who reached out. Good people. We talked about emotional release, fixing things. Only briefly touched on mania ha. Again. Dosing issue. Definitely a bit of a minefield in a grown man.
Anyway this got bad 10 years ago I guess. Or after I decided to man up and provide. I’ve always had both, but it was never this bad. I think it might be neurodegenerative with people’s coping strategies mildly outpacing their decline; the grumpy old man on the street. Off to the grave.
It got bad when I stopped drinking, ironically enough. I guess there was something to it after all. The GABA from it must have provided release for my asd control or something; same way valproate does. Either way it was killing me and had to go.
I replaced it with exercise and copious amounts. I became superman and worked in a solo office shut away from my family, alone, with a pool table. I had things to do. I snowshoed there and back 90 min each way in the winter as a form of cross training. Every moment of every day had to be filled.
I think it was always pretty bad but what tipped it over was the ironman and the biohacking. The healthy stuff. That was what did it.
The repeated cortisol exposure from high intensity training intervals while trying to get to ironman qualifying level. Every day. Recording every minute detail. Living for it. Collapsing in a heap on the bed every time I got home. I think one of the reasons I don’t sleep much now is I never had much sleep to begin with; just unconsciousness.
My life wasn’t really that hard. From the outside. It was all self imposed. All ambition. All something I could stop. Apparently it wasn’t.
Even I thought I could stop but I could just replace. Each time I had to find something new where I was a beginner because I could spend a long time in that beginner phase trying to find things to optimise. The innocent phase.
Who am I to write an autobiography. This is processing.
That and biohacking. Dopamine hacking. Supplements and cold plunges. You know who. The information is provided without real context and there are people like me who are desperately searching for something without even knowing.
I think it probably started before that. Moving back to the UK and the way we were treated there was probably the beginning of the end for me. I severed all relationship with that country; it is dead to me. It was unacceptable.
Before that it was manageable. That was likely where things started to snowball. But the stress of covid too. And two kids. And building a company. And working my ass off to retire in 3 years. They all seem derivative, though.
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