cycling

How may others are living in hell. B-man definitely visited.

But yeah... the more I let it gestate the more I think that empathy issues are all because of fear. 

And fear is all because of irregular dopamine signalling. I am in a scary world so I solve the problems; you are on the beach so want me to stop making so much noise. When you think about it like this, they don't seem so insurmountable, if you can make the world less scary.

Then there's the low memory but that's more communication issues than empathy issues. Though how empathetic I'll be able to be, I'm not sure. This topography is likely fixed. But my son. He gets a better world. 

1513

Just read about some people 'pulsing' ari and that kind of makes sense. I think it helps with emotional processing (it's not fun) so if you can set aside 72 hours for basically crying and working through shit, why not. For me though I just want stability. Fed up of this ascension phase. 

1515

I am getting anxious that the ari isn't going to work, or we are going to overshoot and go into flatness, but right now I'm antsy because it's day 3 of the receptor ramp-up. I suppose worst case it's a few days of discomfort and then lower the dose again but I'm getting pretty tired of all this up and down now. I just want stable and boring. 

1536

Did I actually feel that good or was it all in my head? Well. Silly wording. Was it a form of induced cyclothymia? Will I experience the same level of wellbeing again? I really don't want to go back to hungry ghost. I am so exhausted and just want to rest. These 6 weeks feel like 2 years to me. Not just because of the events, but I think the dopamine signalling. If 4 hours of sleep suffices where 8 hours used to. But was that even sleep? This is so strange. It's like a full hard reset of the brain. I hope I come out functional and good. 

1547

Did I just hallucinate the whole thing? The whole adhd thing? The lack of identity? Was that a thing, or do I have an identity now? I'm still not sure on that one because my brain is changing so much day to day.

I do have a family. That's what I have. I delved into the depths of my mind and it was not nice and I found out a lot... some of it will be true and all of it was helpful. But what I come back to is my family.

It feels like another kind of realignment is going on in my right cheekbone. That sounds so strange but something about the tension there is changing and releasing. I carved these tension lines into that self portrait I was going to do but then I decided not to do the portrait. Why did I decide not to do it?

I broke some wood and was going to do a ragged one and show his pain but that was disrespectful so I decided to do a perfect one instead, but that isn't right either. I'm inclined to get a photograph of him printed out and framed, and put it on the wall to see until the emotional charge of my old life has gone.

I don't think I will cut him out.

He is still there but I can choose to keep him alive. He loves these people and I know he's me but I have to speak in dualities. I don't think I can cut him out but I cut out that pain and hopefully ari can keep it at bay in real life too.

I feel like this process is nearly over. I feel like I am going to go to the dentist tomorrow and have this tooth put in and that will be it.

I had a filling that took up half a molar bodged in as a kid in the UK, 30 years ago, mask-land. It fell out within 2 seconds of a chunk falling off one of my whetstones at the start of all this, and the tooth was rotten. I've spent the last 6 weeks going to the dentist and having a root canal done. This has been a good metaphor, though the dentist thinks I'm crazy.

I think... tomorrow it will be done. I will be autistic and I will have accepted who I am and that will be that. And I think I am going to keep the soldier, as I'll call him. He died a hero. That was his dream. He died on the sword that saved his child. But he passed something to me and I will keep it.

This has been so incredibly strange. I don't know if it's over. I'm just writing whatever comes to mind because this is my therapy. I might wake up tomorrow and write even crazier shit. But it feels like it's been reeling in and it always happens like this; I look up and realise I'm at the end.

Maybe my family was the end. Of that journey. The beginning I guess, of going into the world as a new person. That was one hell of a trip, if that's what it was. 

But I don't think it was. I think my memory is different because of this medicine and I guess that increasing the dose has changed the perception of time again? These last 3 days feel like they have lasted an eternity. I am not sure if I'm motivated or tired or what.

I guess we will see tomorrow.

For the time being, if any of you guys are reading this, thanks for bearing with me.

I'm not sure what happened. Well.. I am. I had too many programs running and crashed, hard reset, had to choose what to keep. Lucky to be here, let alone sane?

I think I should have come out of it more genuine and more optimised, and if I can get medication sorted that makes my world less scary then I should be more empathetic... but it's going to be hard because new bike and I can't look at an emotional face so... practicalities.

Now you know I'm autistic.

Now I know I'm autistic.

Now you know I have adhd.

Now I know I have adhd.

We know what we are dealing with so we can create solutions. It'll be pretty easy. Like how I made presents to show how much I loved you. Those were the best things I'd made at the time, and I'm happy they weren't the last things I made.

I think I'll hold onto that James you liked. A bit of him; not much. The old James probably isn't the best for what comes next, whatever that may be. I might build a business or might not. I'll probably write a blog; people like me are very much alone in the world. I'll definitely spend time with my family.

That's the main one. My son. He doesn't have to suffer like me. My other son. He doesn't have to suffer me. My wife can be loved the way she deserves. 

I wonder what I can do to help people. Is just writing a blog the best thing? Build a business? 

Frankly I'd rather just tell other people to build one but don't know anyone I trust. Typical adhd.

Anyway I'm still me but I'm better, I think, and I'm pretty tired at the moment.

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