One thing you have to know about me: I’m real. I’m not so sure about you though.
This is one thing I can say for sure and is the only thing I can say for sure. There is data from my senses and it is sensed.
There is maybe a self when there is continuity in that sense data. In my case, these was no self, because the data from the senses was not coming through coherently.
So there was no self in terms of continuity and there is now. Maybe. I don’t trust it yet and it is never going to be anything like yours. More like pieces on a string in the wind. But connected.
There was always data from the senses though, ever there and ever changing. The ever present now, and either an eternity of heaven or eternity of hell if you have very short memory and little continuity. How much of this is normal and how much pathological? Do different scriptures deal with different mental health issues? Do they all deal with audhd? None?
I hated the ‘I’m an alien’ narrative with autism when I looked into it a few months back. Before this, autism was categorised with down syndrome in my mind after a schoolhood of fistfights and insults. No wonder I never looked at it. And hyperfocus precluded me from adhd, of course, symptom though it was.
I had a good 1.5 hours sleep then by the way. So thats 4 hours, 1.5 hours, and each time the churn can proceed and more wool can come out. It feels pretty nice right now; silken. This is day 3 of increasing the ari and I don’t like the feeling of coming up, but the butteriness is starting to slip in now and I know everything will be ok. I feel it in my bones, just like I feel the certainty of meaninglessness and doom without these now-2mg.
I need to find the point on the tolerance equilibrium where it fades at the rate it builds, and then split my dosing between morning and evening, and then I can have the continuity that other people are born with and sit and work on my brain for once.
That will be so nice. To be able to work on the brain and have the work maybe stick.
We are the sculptor and the clay, but my clay was crumbly, cracking. Ari feels like someone kneaded water into it and made it all liquid and malleable again.
I have to remind you that to a normal brain this drug doesn’t apparently feel nice. It is flattening and makes them slow. For me it is incredibly uplifting and gives me about 40 extra IQ points while removing 80% of the friction in my life. Or it fools me into thinking this. Amazing. All those wasted years on the wrong substances.
My brain is broken and needs a plug for its synapses. Simple.
Anyway coffee time…
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