So I got to feeling sorry for myself that I will never be part of the water and never able to enjoy the dance, and feel love and express love the same way as the majority of humans. I need to cut that off now because it’s a foolish and harmful thought.
No two loves are the same. Even the same person, loving the same inanimate object, will love it differently every day because of the changes within themselves. Maybe I express love with random acts instead of words and hugs but I sure as hell feel it. Intensely.
This funnels into difficulties with my family. My first son is ND and similar to me and we communicate easily, but my second son is more social and we can clash. This is one major reason for seeking treatment: I want to be a better dad.
The bounciness and noise of child two overwhelms me; he’s borderline adhd so I’m wary that we don’t fall into the dynamic where he wants to play, I do too, but I get overwhelmed, microexpression, he picks up on it, rsd, lifetime of insecurity. I don’t want that.
But you can’t just get rid of microexpressions. So I had to find meds that actually got rid of the irritation.
Child one I don’t need middleware with, really, but child two I do. I need to plan how to express love to him so that he will feel it in a way that brings him warmth and comfort and security.
Probably the best way to do that is to medicate away my pain so I don’t lash out.
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