Hmph. The monkey mind. One branch to the next. Gaps. Tamed by ari. I always assumed it was just because the monkey was a monkey but maybe it's also because it was swinging.
These people around me have always loved me, always cared for me. I’m very lucky in that regard and would certainly have been dead before 20 if not for my parents and their unwavering love. I was just incapable of receiving it like a normal person would.
Any compliment fell on deaf ears. I don’t know why. My dad tried so many times to say he was proud of me. I never heard him. The internal dad was too strong, too loud, too venomous. Those microexpressions over the years. The pain, in hindsight. He probably has a saw in his head too.
All this data was gathered and my world was dark and scary and no reassurance would seem to work apart from work work working always moving never stopping. Barricade the doors.
But it wasn’t their fault. Your brain was damaged somehow. Maybe they have the same thing and taught you how to navigate it, as their parents taught them. Maybe this testing of the evolutionary tree is a dead end without medical intervention.
It’s not their fault though. It’s not your fault though, either, James. That’s the thing. That’s the main thing. You are in a dynamic of either/or and maybe that is something to do with how strong your devil and angel are but you are in there and it does not fit this situation.
The either/or is within you and not within the world. The world is grey, even if you are a constantly mixing black and white, yin and yang, pigment never settling. Or maybe… lets not get carried away. Positive god hypotheses are some of the most painful. Better to expect nothing.
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