I don't know if I can do this portrait of my old self yet. I feel like I should wait. He deserves respect. The effort that he made to support himself and his family. I think he only stayed alive to support first his birth family and then the family he built.
This man deserves due respect for his service. I need to lay him to rest like a war hero. That's what he is. Brain chemistry is everything, and one madman will have a field day in a bloodbath while another... let's stop that now. That's enough self pity.
He won, James. You are he. He won. He found the solution. The only reason he doesn't exist any more is that he broke the cycle, escaped, through chemistry. It still sounds crazy and this idea of two people is just a conceptual one, don't worry.
But they are so very different. I have done most of the drugs and nothing comes close to this. This is a different universe, where that was a new filter superimposed. This is regular dopamine signalling while you sleep which gives you a sense of security and wellbeing.
But right now I'm a bit amped because the dose is increasing. As the day goes on, and particularly tomorrow, I should start feeling more smooth again. I can't believe I survived with the amount of friction in my body and mind.
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I can’t do it. I can’t lay him down to rest yet. He’s a hero to my wife and children. His suffering was not in vain. But the suffering was bigger than that so the result has to be bigger too.
Thinking about the self, and love, and identity. When I was first hit with this whole thing, 6 weeks ago, it felt like the entire world had me dancing to this tune for 42 years and I was angry. Unable and unwilling to dance any more. Now I am a little more considered, but still angry, and still unwilling to dance. Maybe able.
I need to decide what parts of my old persona to keep and what parts to discard.
The greed is gone. I have always tried to kill it. It will still echo. Medication was the answer.
I’ve not meditated enough today but again, it’s about attachment and craving. I tried to remove craving all these years but it was, actually, impossible. Now I maybe have a chance.
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