ChatGPT reckons I've probably had a lifetime of migraines on top of the withdrawal, based on the steelwool page.
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Fuck man I have been haven't I and when I carved out those lines in recruitin' it alleviated them for a while because they're caused by psychic pain. All this time I was looking at others and wondering what my cross would be to bear. It still matters, even if you're only aware of it retrospectively.
Now the madman is subdued the quiet one can come to the fore. He’s a nice guy, but timid; he’s not been out before. The noise in his head was so loud that he didn’t even realise he was having a form of low-key migraine all this time.
I don’t know which one is the fighter. I think they both are. I think the loud one fights the outside world and the quiet one fights the inside. The loud one trashes the inside, and the quiet one tries to restrain him. Anyway.
What are my autistic traits? What even is autism? A difference in neuronal layout, I guess, but we are all laid out differently, and each differently is different.
For me I think that layout is that I’m stuck more in pegboard mode than most. When people have talked to me about logic I’ve always felt a little confused.
Logic in my mind is rarely a case of a b c. It’s more a case of a b z. It’s just easy, and sometimes the z is right and sometimes it’s not, but usually it’s not far off. This always made me annoyed that people couldn’t just ‘see it’, though apparently they were equally annoyed at me for similar things.
I’m new to autism so just starting to unpack it. The migraines are news to me still. I’m carving them into an art piece as I go through this.
So things I struggle with often overlap with adhd, of course, because dopamine and I’m a single system. Taxes are a good example. I hate them. And I struggle with them. But because I have adhd, I just hate them, and don’t do them. Same with shopping. Same with lots of stuff. Not going to happen.
When medicated with just guanfacine my autistic traits started to come out and I was more able to attempt the things like taxes. Crowds and lights and eye contact with strangers became more challenging; sounds, easily overwhelmed, etc. We live in a nice almost-country location thankfully; I couldn’t handle a city. I’d have to blast music in my ears all day. A farm sounds nice. A farm sounds very nice, given all I’ve learned.
Now. Just give me a sec. It’s a lot to sink in.
I’ve had sensory overload for my entire life
I am incapable of processing two sound sources at once
I have memory overload and migraines on a near-constant basis when talking with people face to face
Eye contact with strangers can result in flash-panic
I have monotropic thinking and fixate on things
I constantly rehearse and replay things in my mind
I am always on edge; always looking for threat
Everything has to have a purpose, a reason, including me
It’s exhausting just thinking about this so I am going to stop
I just pushed through before because adhd. There was no stopping to rub a meteor to let the memory overload subside. Ha.
Weaving. Steel wool.
It’s memory overload and allowing the process to finish by letting your dopamine system latch onto a simple repetitive motion so that the processing can happen in the background.
Steel wool.
Words.
It gets the job done. I’ll keep it.
Yeah I need to stop there. Time to potter or something.
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