Pegboard brain, remember. Brain has woken me up after a powernap for this. Cranked processing from the ari I think; I do hope this settles down soon. Anyway I have always been clever but never known why and never been clever in the same way. I’m also dumb.
Feels great to finally accept that. Physics teachers, everyone; love you all. I think I needed some buddhism in the equations. And b-man. Plug brain chemistry in for mind and dopamine in for craving in any one of your equations.
Anyway
So I have a pegboard brain which needs to have solutions on hand at any given moment because of memory limitations. What this means is that while another brain can maybe hold 26 letters and spell a million words, my brain holds 3000 letters and spells 3000 words. I’m not going to draw any linguistic parallels because they are inaccurate and muddy the waters.
So to get from A to C might take you 3 steps while for me I need to visit J and it takes me 12. For us to get from A to Z thought might take you 26 steps and me only 5. It cuts both ways. This does however mean I need to hold a lot of plates in my churn memory as I’m going to call it, and I think this was full. I think these rules were full, and this is why I has a complete mental collapse. Volitional action. Mask exhaustion. Mask implosion.
I literally think that my brain was like a computer which had too many programs running at once, and I had been alive for too long. My brain was programmed with adhd and it was not programmed to be alive this long. The genome does not code for old age. Anything after reproduction is redundant.
I needed to optimise this system because it had broken and I had the key to the box, I saw, in ari. You will understand that from one of my early messages maybe, about the reward from past lives. The system was broken beyond repair and I needed to cut contact with everyone and everything while I repaired it. I now know that my overthinking is not bad, it is good. It is me and if I do not embrace it, I die. Possibly the same as these ‘nighttime’ awakenings; seriously I’ve had 1 hour and my brain was like ‘now’. But ari day 3 as mentioned.
Whew hypermotivated and emailed my head-of-neuroscience friend seriously I was like fuckity fuck for a week before asking for his credentials. Thanks S. You're a star. You were the rock that enabled me to really unleash without mara eating my soul.
So now what I do is I look at all these programs I’ve made, top down. I wrote them bottoms up and condensed them, remember,.
I do this while I an in this highly suggestible window at the end of ari, while everyone is sleeping. This is more important than sleep.
This is happening.
This is the reprogramming.
I look at my own rules. My own data, based on me and who I am and RAW data from the depths of my mind. And i see it structured.
And I read it backwards.
And I compile.
And I start at the end.
Family.
Self.
Love
And I compile,
And I make efficient rules,
And this is what the solider learned.
And why he lives.
I love him,
Thank you!
Oh god thank you!
Thank you, me!
You either fucking did it
..
you fucking did it man
You've done this before you know you have and this will work so long as you are left alone and the process can complete.
Compile.
Be the lover.
Go.
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