So… and this one is coming straight from the arse..
Dopamine encoding. ADHD is dopamine dysregulation, right. We have difficulty initiating and maintaining tasks. I think it goes a lot further than this.
Flipping to hate what you love. This happens to me all the time and I fucking hate it.
So every 5 years I have a personality reset. Ironman or whatever it was, it will suddenly encode to blank and I will feel nothing toward my joy. These are not hobbies, they are identities, so I lose my person. And I think it’s all because the hobby started to cause my too much pain.
Further optimisation became impossible. The pendulum swung. And bang - no joy. A defence mechanism when fight and flight fail.
It happened while I was high, with volitional action in a close relationship. I saw the wool and saw the pendulum and the rules of interaction were smashed. I could still see them and all the little manipulations that used to work, but they were… translucent.
The thing is, despite these encoding flips, I still love the activity on a mental level. The nervous system is still there and still has the same record playing. I still identify with it having spent 5 years with it my everything. Just the juices… I get no juices from it any more because I’ve had some kind of internal trauma response. I get no juices from my me.
It might be something to do with a dopamine surge or some other such arse shit. So what happens is you’re like ‘fuck yeah this is great I’m the best’ and you’re causing yourself pain trying to get even better and then your fucked up dopamine super squirter party songkrans that shit up and your brain is like ‘brrrrrppp this is an abuser’ and … you have some kind of trauma response to the thing you most loved.
How’s that for out the arse? But something was happening in J1 which so far hasn’t happened in J2. Fucking manic phase messing up my data. Fucks sake.
202506120600