I don’t know what but I need to output something. I have about 3 threads starting in my brain and at least one of them needs putting on the page.
I think it all stems from low memory. Everything, for me. And that all stems from irregular dopamine signalling. Everything. All my ‘autism’ and ‘adhd’ and everything - it’s all because of dopamine.
So my memory on the hardware side gets full and I need to output stuff. Writing, speaking, whatever - this gets it through the blockade and into my long-term processing. There is something wrong with the data pipeline.
So then this gets processed at whatever speed (fast for single thread and slow for multithread) and then the answer is queued up and needs to be blurted out to either a) free up memory or b) get fed back into the churn (probably both).
This rinses and repeats with more and more ideas until something legible maybe comes out.
Another idea I’ve had my whole life is that we all have ‘stress points’ to allocate to good and bad activities but that seems to quaint compared to recent realisations that I’ll not bother. Let’s just say that if you don’t give the dog something to fight, the dog will fight you.
So what the fuck is autism? Adhd is fairly clear now - it’s irregular dopamine signalling and the millions of different permutations thereof. The cause and stuff is not clear, so it’s still a blanket term. But it’s a relatively tight blanket term of ‘dopamine dysregulation’.
Autism… now that’s harder. It’s the hardware. And why does the hardware form differently? Genetics? Adhd? Trauma? Does it form to process patterns or visuals or what? There are infinite types of fence, types of tree, and ways the tree can grow through the fence.
So… autism is the hardware. Adhd is the software.
Autism is Dr Jeckyl and adhd is Mr Hyde
Autism is the angel on your shoulder and adhd is the devil
Autism is order and adhd is chaos
Autism is neuronal and adhd is hormonal
Autism is the land and adhd is the weather
Not that black and white of course.
In my case I think everything is a downstream effect of regular dopamine dropouts. I don’t know if it was always this way and I think it might be getting worse with age.
Autism and adhd are both blanket terms and there’s a very real chance that what I have could become a distinct diagnosis.
But you have to use the language of your times, so here we are.
This tug of war. The good and bad. The intent and the emotion. It’s always been there.
The strange thing now is that the tides have changed. My logic and nervous system are more in charge now, and better able to talk to the emotional endocrine system. It can communicate where it before had to manipulate.
Where previously I would desperately try not to do something but be pulled inexorably toward it, I now have no pull. No tug. Maybe a little. The tug is not emotional any more; it’s a habit of thought.
I can finally take it or leave it.
Really. I can finally influence my emotions properly with my thoughts. Not a buddha, by any means, but nearly human.
These years.. the whole life restraining the emotions. It’s exhausting. Imagine just getting lurches to punch someone in the face mid chat. Is that normal? Why is it happening? I don’t want to punch anyone. What?
Well it’s fucked up songkran time in the endocrine system so you’re gonna get these urges. And the more tired you get, the more you’ll get them. Plus the worse you’ll be at controlling them. Friday night scuffles.
Anyway about 40% of my energy was going on holding these urges in. Quite literally, I think, because of the sheer level of relief I felt when when I started aripiprazole. The euphoria has passed but I still feel the relief.
But it’s alien, unusual. Something has quite literally removed the hum that was in my head. The toothache you never knew was there. Hedonic adaptation is a bitch and in a couple of days this will be the norm.
But for now… that’s 40% extra life force I can use for… sleeping, apparently. Because I have 42 years of catching up to do. And now I might be able to build a value-led habit system rather than just having to drown out one thing with the next.
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