So I have a short memory and slow processing*; most people have a longer memory and faster processing.
* but super fast thinking when I’m on a thread; so slow processing for complex things like emotions and fast for simple things like rocket science.
This means I tend to forget things faster than others. I blurt them out thinking they’re funny while other people are still processing things ‘normally’. Then I go away and process. And regret.
But now I have a bit more of a framework for understanding this.
In the short term it might mean that I blurt shit out and upset people (a way I process things due to low RAM) but in the long term… it’s probably me who suffers. Silently.
People have moved on. They’ve processed, while I’ve forgotten. But not totally; it just couldn’t be held in working memory long enough to ‘work it out’. It’s still raw and popping up occasionally, and when it does, polishing knives helps knead out the tension.
So people come to make up, thinking I’ve also processed, and open a wound which was still infected. The processing isn’t done.
And then there are two types of processing: personal and social. Or rather, two types of regulation. You have to process to regulate and…
Give me a sec. I’m 3 weeks autistic and was high as a kite for 2 of them. I’m also 4 months ADHD and.. you get the picture.
So anyway most people are social creatures and process emotions socially. They talk and they hug and they look in each others eyes and share the pain and gradually it diminishes and they move closer and then they have one last conversation to put it to rest and…
Imagine that the RAM is shit and the processor still working. RAM is full of this processing in the background. It’s overloaded. And then you see a crying face full of happy/sad/relief emotions because they’re over it but you’re not and the wound is prodded and…
This all sounds very far fetched as someone who lived their entire life a slave to RSD. It’s amazing really. I’m not ‘robot mode’ any more but I still don’t have RSD. And I’m pretty sure this is right.
I think the way I will regulate my emotions is using this new thing I’ve found - knives. I need to figure out how to regulate my own emotions properly before I can participate in the group-regulation everyone else relies on. I can probably never participate, and pretending to all these years is what caused me to become a hermit and burn out time and again.
So sometimes when I’m asked to have the make-up chat I’m just not ready to make up. And when I’m cracking my jokes you’re still letting it sink in.
There has to be a middle ground…
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