So I have this thing where I kind of channel my autism. I started doing this with the art shortly before my mask imploded, and think it helped me to get more in tune with who I was, under the storm of shit. This is before I knew I had either adhd or asd.
It’s kind of… letting your eyes drift out of focus, letting the tension melt from your face, letting your wrists go slack, and drooling your way around until something feels right.
Cannabis is great for this because it can lower your short term memory even more so you’re down to 1 rail instead of 3. This helps me to get into the zone; I’m never happier than when I’m in the zone.
In fact I’m not sure I’ve had much choice to date, and am curious to see how my life changes now the brain has a little more control over the endocrine system. Is there such a thing as ‘easy happiness’?
Anyway I find that when I can get into this kind of hazy half-alert phase I can act on instinct; things flow. Not always, but often.
Then there’s dopamine. Now this is weird. You won’t believe me.
I think I can feel dopamine, and I think it feels like fishhooks under the cheekbones. An inexorable pull to do. In those smiling muscles, right at the top. The gurning muscles. Doesn’t matter what; just do.
Well this has been calmed down infinitely by aripiprazole. The tension in my face just melted. It’s creeping in a little now, but it melted completely at first, to the point where it scared people; I lost all my facial expressions for a week.
And sure; I’m basically permanently a little bit high now. But I think I was in withdrawal for half my life so have earned a little relief.
Tired after the early morning and thoughts are a bit discombobulated.
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