Death. What a topic. I’ve recently gone from feeling like I’m just waiting to die to like there’s some inherent reason to hang around so…
I’ve fixated on death since I was a child. Age 13 or so I had about 2 years where it was all I could think about. And I don’t mean the usual ‘oh we die it’s bad’ but I mean existential pain. A need to know why, what my purpose is, why I am here. A crushing need.
Obviously we are all human and we all feel this need for purpose, meaning. But I think with autism you feel it more, and with adhd the urgency is dialled up.
So undiagnosed and searching for a meaning to life. Desperately searching, while knowing intellectually there is no objective answer. Still, unable to create your own lasting meaning because of adhd. You see other people riding their bike 24/7 and marvel, as you bounce off yet another hobby.
Asking other people - or the socials - what the dream goal is. Locking it in mind and starting to pursue because surely this one has some kind of lasting meaning and will bring purpose to your life.
Well it’s because you’re autistic, James. Your life already has all the meaning it ever will.
Someone had to tell you the purpose of your life when you were young, and they forgot to. Or they were too honest, too respectful, and told you ‘we don’t know’ or ‘there is none’. Autism in those days was a different ball game; you were undiagnosed because you didn’t fit the diagnostic criteria; now you do.
Anyway all the angst about this. All of it. You know; the unnecessary stuff. I’m still gonna die and so is everyone I love. But now? I don’t care quite so painfully much. I still care.
I think this ties back into rsd too. The autism really doesn’t like the lack of meaning, and the rsd really doesn’t want to let go.
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