Good morning!
My sleep is strange as the body adapts to higher dopamine but I feel rested and am enjoying these early mornings so will roll with it. They give me a chance to output without the kids. They’re mine. Almost went and asked for melatonin but I think ‘8 hours a night’ might be another construct I was trying to force. All these little self improvements that actually just become stressors.
Like clockwork, once I had exported all the audhd stuff, there were the suicidal images. So annoying. But I know what they are now. They’re sometimes mistaken for suicidal ideation but there’s no drive or desire; they are ptsd and now that the audhd foundation has been addressed to my satisfaction it seems I have a little more delayed processing to do. One thread at a time.
So this guy. I need to process this now I guess. I’ve raged about him before but when I tried to art therapise the event it held very little charge; there were bigger fish to fry. Well it’s breakfast, I’m back, and the kipper is fried.
Anger is the main thing I feel. And an ickiness in the collarbones. But mostly anger. My kids weren’t with me; that’s good. The local 600kg fauna didn’t eat parts of him; that’s good. He should have done it in his bathroom like my friend, who shouldn’t have done it at all.
Don’t get me wrong. I would feel bad for him, he was obviously in pain. But when you kill yourself you just pass that pain on to other people; it does not end. Usually it’s contained to loved ones but this guy decided to just… smash his dead body against a random stranger out on a bike ride. One final act of cuntery. So sorry, mate, but no sympathy. I have taken photos with my children where you chose to hang your corpse, and once you put something in your head you can never take it out, to quote The Road.
I believe that suicide is our final freedom, and the only reason it is frowned upon is societal. Don’t hurt your family and friends. Obviously it’s better not to reach the point of suicide, but if someone’s brain chemistry literally has them in hell every day, and they are unable to see an escape, then who are we to tell them to suck it and deal?
Anyway I should probably take it easy for a while on various fronts. I always work like this: make a mess, cast a wide net, reel it in. I think I’ve just reeled in the audhd net and it was… exhausting. I think I’ll play some Doom, now the meds have enabled me to again.
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