So here we are; I guess now I know the system environment and can start trying to build an OS that everything else can ride on. Morality has to be at the centre, I just know. And now I’ve written that down I know why - because I need rules.
A moral code is rules. Same as my kid. Which is the right choice, daddy?
Maybe I can do better now I’m not following the psych books. A for physics, D for psychology. Makes sense now. As does that aptitude test which said I should be both a) French polisher and b) politician. I guess I polish things and recruited. I needed meds to be able to polish properly.
So the world no longer feels like it’s falling apart. The backdoors into the government and Elon’s empire.. they feel inevitable and I can accept them. Wish it wasn’t Elon but I guess better to have someone who has a vague understanding of AI than someone who is totally ignorant. Better to manipulate it toward human evil than to let it think up its own evil. Because at least human evil doesn’t usually wipe out the entire species; just chunks of it.
Anyway. All this had such urgency. Pre-diagnosis (but with bp2 mis?diagnosis) I made the capitalism piece, and post-treatment with guanfacine I made trussed. Now I don’t care. I just want to look after my family.
I mean; I do care. Probably more than most. It just doesn’t hurt to care any more. The level of care is more in-line with the level of impact I can have in the situation, which is very little.
One of my major frustrations over the years is that I care far too much about things I have far too little influence over. I really try not to. Marcus, Seneca, buddha, alcoholic-prayer… lookin’ at you. But audhd; you want people to listen to you. And you want them to shut up while you dump on them ha! And you have no idea for 42 years! Ha!?
Anyway now I care acutely about the things that I should care acutely about - my family. I still care about the other things, but that’s in the voltage not the juice. The juice is now reserved for the juicy parts.
I do feel great that I was able to get my child this support where there previously wasn’t any. Just being able to give him the understanding of how he is different, most of all.
So where to start with building a self?
That ptsd thing will be a touch-and-go thing; gradually defusing it. I’ll leave if be for a while. No rush.
Morality is a key one and I think I have an intuition. After that.. well… we have tech now. Maybe ask AI. For the components, not the definitions.
I guess that personas will be one too. Do relationships come before the persona or after? That’s the key. A real relationship needs to be with the real person, not with an act or a persona. If you have to dance to get someone to like you, you’ll always be dancing.
Anyway time to potter around the garden now I am medically capable of pottering. Ha. Fucking hell. What kind of old person am I?
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