I think there’s a kind of baton pass which happens between neurones and hormones and has been… refined by these meds. Where one athlete would previously do a pirouette and throw the baton in the air, now they’re passing it over with just a little skip. It’s weird.
So I used to feel inappropriate* emotions. All my efforts were to try to shut the loud one up. Control him. Now the loud one is playing ball and the quiet one is like ‘wut’. For a while there I kind of found myself having emotional resets as well as mental resets, but they’re fading.
The mental resets are because of physical memory limitations, and can often be handled through offloading to an external receptacle; like this website at 2am. Dead serious there; I think my brain gets full while I’m asleep and I wake up with ideas forcing their way out. I’m different. Getting the ideas out is a higher priority than sleep, usually.
So anyway I think it goes something like this, and there will be many shorter and longer versions, like micro and macro training cycles, segments on a snail shell, etc.
Loud one feels, shouts
Quiet one processes, calms
Loud one remembers, shouts
Quiet one processes, calms
This process, again and again until the emotional charge is gone.
I think this is how normal human emotions are processed and released and is something that I was never able to do because of adhd. I don’t think this is ‘because of autism’ as many say, but because of dopamine signalling issues meaning that the records are out of sync, and those same dopamine issues cause some autism.
Since starting aripiprazole I feel like emotions can flow and be processed. I feel lighter. There was a movie with George Clooney flying around the world firing people. He talks in about your life being a rucksack you carry around, and how liberating it is to take things out and leave them behind. I love that analogy. Aripiprazole feels like it freed up 80% of the bag overnight.
And waking up at 2am? Deal with it. I’ve always done it. Just I’d usually lie in bed for 45 minutes trying to get back to sleep instead of getting up and writing shite like this.
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*the more I write about them the less I think they’re inappropriate and more I feel they’re an evolutionary necessity