You can build an entire personality around rsd. I think many do, neurodivergent or not.
The insecurity in dealing with not just people but everything can make you… clingy. Determined to win. Obsessive and competitive and hyper vigilant. A fighter! It’s good for business!
But seriously my rsd was not ‘love me’ and more ‘respect me’ or ‘listen to me’. If people don’t listen… there is nothing more enraging. Irritating is the word for J2, but not for J1. J1 was more like that rsd-riddled tangerine in the oval office.
Rsd made for a personality based on competition, winning, excelling, self-improvement, perfection, respect, discipline, self-suppression. I would beat people at their games because I wanted them to respect me. So yeah - insecurity made me one of the best.
I guess this became the crux of my personality. This is not unique to me. The world of business relies on this trait. It’s just a big fucking circlejerk with kids pretending they know what the fuck they’re talking about. Seriously; I’ve danced with the wolves and most are in fancy dress.
Fashion and beauty, sure, but self-help and self-improvement… even things like meditation and exercise can and do become about rsd and pleasing someone else.
And here’s the important thing: the someone else doesn’t have to exist.
They are usually just in your head. A long time ago I realised I was trying to please the internalised versions of my parents. This is inherently impossible since they are just a personification of your self-criticism. But even this knowledge didn’t do anything to help; I was still dancing.
And I think this was because of rsd. If only I could meditate harder, I would be able to control myself and be a more respectable son. If only I trained myself in discipline to the point where I’m running a business, raising a family, training 20 hours a week at ironman championship level, structured to the minute…
Only then, will these internalised versions of… what? Only then they will be happy and quiet. But ‘they’ do not exist. It was never an internalised version of your parents. There’s little distinction between ‘mum and dad’ here, really, is there. These are more like abstract concepts of kindness and strength.
So let’s run with that and say that these are important values for you. Now we are getting the lay of the land and this seems far more productive than just rsd blah blah.
So kindness and strength. That’s actually the name of your kid, James. In kanji. Do you not remember that?
There’s no need to change these internal concepts; you just re-label them. These are not your parents. They are your personality and your values. You just never had time to figure that out you fucking dunce.
Fuck me do normal people just have all these pieces connect-4 into place the lucky cunts?
Kindness and strength. That’ll do,
Ha!
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