With all that’s happened it’s easy to forget that aripiprazole was prescribed for autistic sensitivities. There’s a transformer noise which comes through our wall and feels like a drill in my skull; nobody else can hear it. Now.. it doesn’t bother me. I can hear it but not fixate like I used to.
The biggest initial one was this waves of adrenaline though. I don’t know if my adhd got worse with age but it definitely felt that way, and if it is indeed leaky synapses you might expect it to worsen as someone gets older. It was like being on a rollercoaster while sat in my living room.
I don’t really want to dwell on the beforetimes much; I feel like I’ve exported them all nicely now. But they will be forgotten so easily.
My head is so much clearer. I never even realised it was full of bees but honestly I don’t know how I even managed RedBook4 never mind LOTR. Focusing (not hyperfocusing) was so hard, and the voices of my kids; I could feel myself scowling just because of sensory issues. That’s not the kind of father I want to be.
If I’m honest, not having to communicate with so many people is a huge relief. The international communication by text, which is either down-your-throat-now or wait-12-hours-maybe. Probably cuts both ways.
More than anything… the internal relief.
I know I’m autistic and have adhd and I can accept myself. I can finally accept who I am, and my flaws and strengths. This was the missing piece without which all the others could not fall into place. This was the unifying theory for my universe; my good and evil.
I know I can stop beating myself up about internal conflict. I know the conflict won’t stop.
I also know that I can tell people to leave me alone because I’m autistic. And here’s the kicker:
Because I don’t have rsd any more I can actually ask them to do so. I no longer feel like missing one visit to the park with my children will somehow be the end of the world. And through having a little less quantity of contact, and a few milligrams of something in my system, I’m able to be a better father, making them happier people, and so on. It’s good karma in a pill.
The drive is lessened. I still can’t sit still and never will be able to but the drive is more academic than accelerant now. I can choose to not engage. The initial invincibility from aripiprazole is gone but task initiation and switching require a lot less ‘oomph’ and ..
The sleep. Oh my god the sleep.
I have always been a terrible sleeper; aren’t we all. Well guanfacine gave me better sleep than any sleeping med or behavioural thing I’d ever tried and then aripiprazole… wow. Just wow. I lie down at 9 now and I’m asleep in 5 minutes. I wake up with the sun, fresh. I can choose to get up or sleep more where previously I didn’t have much agency. First couple of weeks were weird but then; life changing.
That’s it; Abilify.
Actually a great brand name despite the terrible generic name. It has given me so much agency in my life. It has given my wires control over my juices, and it has done it 24/7 so. I think that my memories are resequencing while I sleep; every day I am hit with memories that I thought were gone forever.
Basically I feel fixed. I’m sure it’ll pass and I’ll feel shit again sooner or later. But honestly - for everything that ailed me - I feel fixed. Forgetfulness and distractibility have always been manageable irritations, with emotional regulation and impulsivity being my main problems. Guanfacine does the regulation and aripipazole does both.
But yeah my world is quieter and lighter. My mind is quieter and lighter. My heart is quieter and lighter. Everything is easier and has more meaning. I am a little more at peace with the emptiness of it all.
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