This final wrapping up phase. Always a chore. Picking up those final little scraps. Crossing the T’s and dotting the I’s. I guess it would make sense that I find it harder than most, ha! Crazy on the crazy and crazy on the order.
But yeah this is how I’ve always worked. Make a mess, clean it up. 2 weeks of insanity, then turning around exhausted and realising that it’s all done, an hour before the deadline.
But this last little bit where you’re brushing it up. Maybe it’s the fact that you’re doing it for someone else. Making the website, and making most of my art, is for me. But then finishing it off; that last little bit… that’s for someone else. And I seem to have a pretty strong aversion to doing things for other people lately.
To clarify: soto people. I’m so happy I made that philosophy to fall back on, already. Autistic, you see. Rules. Written by myself. Adhd you see.
Yeah that’s why my job was so draining: I was only half masked to everyone all the time. So I was what… looking for friends while they were looking for jobs? But at the same time it was just my rsd doing that so I’d hate it while being unable to stop. Best in Tokyo at that job. A loud pattern matching machine, relatable to the AI industry. Makes sense now.
It really was draining though. Why do I do it? Why do I work so hard to please other people? And thinking about it, it’s not usually the real people, but the internalised ideals. I guess this is because those internalised ideals are such harsher critics than the real people. The real people wouldn’t need such appeasing, but the internal ones do.
So I’m on the other side of the world making gifts, and just feeling… weird when I see them being opened? It’s almost like the idea of making the gift was more important than the giving. Again - the chase, I guess. Dopamine, I guess. Everyone’s not like this, I guess.
The knives are for me.
I might choose to sell them but they’re for me. The knives are nurturing and feeding and putting things in. The art is explosion and expression and getting things out. The knives are selecting what you want to allow through your defences and the art is expunging things you can’t bear to keep in.
This site was quite the project though. And somehow about 2 weeks ago I just got the drive to start that art piece I’d had in mind, and they both finish on roughly the same day. But they don’t feel like they’re ‘for’ someone else. They’re not a visitation. This site and the art are a meeting. An invitation.
Or rather, the site is a map, because I don’t think my planet is particularly open for visitation. Not right now at least; I’ve just finished the logical processing so we know what comes next.
Just a couple last articles to look over before I can get to it though. No loose threads. But god damn this ‘solution’ page is soul sucking for me. I did these things and I never want to do them again but I know they can help some people so c’mon James use the power of the drugs to do it.
[bravestarr voice] motivation of aripirprazooooole
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