That pang of fear is just a habit and you have medicine now which will keep your dopamine levels higher. Getting that pressure to output again.
So I think I am misattributing the wellbeing to cannabis after years of self-medication and the next step is to cut that out. Pretty much certain this is the therapeutic effect of aripiprazole.
So I don’t have rsd any more but I do have social anxiety. In fact it might have increased; at the very least it’s more noticeable. Probably previously the adhd would have loved the adrenaline, but now it’s just plan anxiety.
There’s no ‘love me’ in there though; it’s just the ‘is this person trying to fight me’ I always get with eye contact and weird stunted conversations.
Thinking a lot about family again now I have a basic framework for understanding myself. I can’t imagine how to fix relationships just yet; I imploded in a big way and there’s no way I’m ever going to apologise for being the domino that the chain smashed.
But I do hope we can fix things. Or rather, build things anew, I guess, because I’m not the same person. It’s too complex for me to think about now though. I still need to work on me.
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