Credit where credit is due: I’m a hard bastard. I had a lot of fist fights in my early life and won the vast majority. This is what I was trained to do by my mask, and also why I pushed away the parent who trained me so forcefully when I had my breakdown.
But fuck me was I tough. I came to Japan alone. Lost a job in a week. Got another job, lost that, alcohol, scammed and jail, built a company for someone, quit it all to travel the world with my wife. Fucking so many moves around Asia, italy, england. So many personal challenges there which I won’t go into out of respect for people, but it was hard for many, and not in a trivial way; a life that should have been never was.
We moved back to Japan on short notice after getting kicked out of the UK and I had a breakdown while I was back there. Like two lives, with my wife kicked out of the UK and me, here, with a dog I don’t want, a life I don’t want, wondering if it was all a dream. Acute dissociative episode with my mum stroking my head to bring me back to reality, age 33.
3 days later I’m on a plane. Lose my wallet in Amsterdam and somehow the airport angel this middle aged guy gets it to me right as the plane is leaving. Land in Japan in a town we don’t know and my wife immediately gets pregnant. We have little money and no house or furniture. I get serious.
I completely disregard all personal care. All I do is work, snowboard and drink. Heavily. I help build Japan’s first autonomous driving company. I melt down. First child arrives. I promise I’ll stop drinking. I was right the next time.
Back on the bike James; need a house now. Buy a house in a year? I love a challenge. And earning money means nothing; I always need a tangible goal. Money is just a tool that lazy thinkers use as a proxy for success.
Anyway get that, and another child, and covid and both kids were premature and because I set up my own company I don’t get parental leave despite paying double health insurance.
Wow this is getting fucking whiney eh. Late night. I’ll put this in private fuck this shit
Creativity is a coping mechanism for limitations. Limitations on verse structure, materials used, composition, etc. The limitations give birth to the creativity. I think audhd types can be extra creative merely because of how many limitations they have faced in life.
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… and now I know my limitations I feel like I could better function ‘in a team’. Or rather, now I have medicated my rsd away I could better act as a general, giving orders, instead of a sergeant, leading the charge.
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I think low dopamine feels like buzzy head bees and high dopamine feels like silk. The brain noise is a great barometer, and it’s the low-dopamine phases where I do dumb shit. And the high phases. Wait.
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Today's verse has me thinking of Elon Musk pottering around in the K-hole while putting his backdoors into the electoral system.
2. Mind precedes all mental states. Mind is their chief; they are all mind-wrought. If with a pure mind a person speaks or acts happiness follows him like his never-departing shadow.
Maybe the reason stims have to be things like rocking and knives is that there’s no optimisation to be had. Your brain just goes into autopilot and the part that would otherwise be planning and optimising can go and do important stuff instead.
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