I guess this is actually a really challenging time. It’s understandable that I would wake up and be unable to sleep because of backed-up thoughts. I was just lying there now, listening to the frogs outside the window, and I remembered how … how I had to blast white noise from a large speaker directly under my head just so I could sleep. It would be a case of gritting my teeth and hoping I can ride one of those beta-waves into unconsciousness.
That wasn’t sleep. It was exhaustion. My mind reached the point where it stopped functioning. And looking back at myself, tossing in bed while everyone sleeps peacefully, tortured by a sound that nobody else can hear, blasting noise into your head, losing your mind, for your whole life. No wonder I hated bed.
The most basic of human needs - sleep - denied. Yet the advice: go to bed at a regular time, good sleep hygiene, yoga… these things don’t fucking work if you have audhd. They don’t fucking work. And you don’t know you have it so for 42 years you do all the things that you are told and absolutely nothing changes.
No wonder you leave. Whatever you try you fail. Sleep. Who fails sleep?
But you don’t fail at the things people notice. Oh no. You can’t allow yourself to fail at those.
So the failings are all personal, private, painful. They eat you up inside. Why don’t I sleep right? Why do I overthink? Why am I obsessing about this comment? Why can’t I let it go?
It’s because you’re fucking autistic mate and you always have been and the amount of suffering I could have spared myself by finding out just one week earlier.
Everything seems trite. Everything. Apart from maybe death. Everything else though; nothing. The past self vs future self? Trite shite. All of my talk of ‘stress points’ and trying to flip your stress from negative to positive… Everything. It’s all just peanuts.
The only thing that comes close to this in terms of sheer scale of the change in my world is what the buddha talked about. This is why I am focusing there. Because nothing else comes close to summarising the difference that this has made to my life.
It honestly has taken me from hell to being a fairly positive human being. Actual hell; brain chemistry hell. The heaven and the hell of the soul; the modalities of being; the mind which precedes all. If the mind that precedes all is in hell, then all will be hell. And if you were born to hell, then hell is all you know.
Until you open your eyes.
With the help of medicine.
All this crap that big pharma gets. I get it, I do. But I’ve also built businesses and worked in the real world. You think arty farty fucking pink and blue butterflies will get anything done? You can fuck off back to dreamland mate.
You need to make them see the money.
So I think that’s what I’ll do. This change in me is so damned profound. Yet also so personal and utterly impossible to share. I think I’m going to try to build a company which will help fix the brain chemistries of people like me, and hopefully others.
I have connections and knowledge from my past life which kind of fit together in a unique way in this unique phase in human history. If there has ever been a person, time and place to build a company using AI to identify brain chemistry meds, this is it.
Syzygy is everywhere.
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