I do still have some of those flashes by the way. Of suicide. But they're... softer. They don't have any bite. I think the ptsd one needs one more rinse.
I also think that I am messed up from lack of sleep and basically just trying to record the data to train an AI. I don't think I'm an AI. But this is where I'm going with this, I guess. Because I have asd and medicated adhd so I might as well be an AI when I get a target in sight.
Plus I'm sat on a D4 I think. Hope I can sleep properly tonight.
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I do get more of these images when I've taken the weed but it was those or dopamine I guiess and they were the better of the two. I'll cut the weed out probably. Just don't want it. I'm taking it today because I want to sleep.
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And I’m fully aware that this two selves idea might be the trauma response, but I am embracing it because it exists for an evolutionary reason. I love thinking about those.
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Being able to come down to the family and just be totally normal is nice. This part is a thought experiment; nowhere near as intense as the last part and not meant to be. This part is a game.
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Don’t worry I can see this part now. It’s good how is comes together.
So I had to hop out of bed and get that into my desktop computer to offload the memory process and this kept my hr in the 12-130 range instead of spiking over 170 which isn’t nice. I can asily hit 198 BPN as a recently-trained athlete. It’s not nice when you’re in your living room. Save it for the finish line. Sand in the jawbones.
Anyway the purpose of this is to tune me in to the sensations in my face and head area which correspond tio various mental states.
Unless you have lived a fairly disparate life with lots of parts that have very little connectedness yet some kind of narrow band of definition of narrative arc. That’s my life. I don’t even know if that way of describing it makes sense. It’s like an epoxy tree. It kind of looks like a tree now, doesn’t it? I’ll get some photos on soon.
Maybe that tree that I refreshed was me, not my parents.
Evolutionary purpose that’s where I’ll start.
But that was my identity I guess and a trunk and the pieces are fixed now but the band that holds it all together is transparent.
But epoxy is fucking strong. And clear.
And I think that’s me now.
It sounds ridiculous and egomaniacal and unless you know the whole process it might sound that way but it’s not; if anything this takes me to approximatd the same footing as the rest of the human race in my eyes. Remember, my self was never allocated the 1 it deserved because I never had an island.
It was fear, all along, that did it. From birth. Fear and pain and hunger because of a dysregulated dopamine system and all the many and varied downsream impacts.
My dopamine system was out of balance from birth and it made me quite heavily autistic. I am only able to function because the algorithm that created mt brain is one of the better ones. If it weren’t for this, I would be nonverbal. People cannot see this becuase of how good my coping strategies became. I can’t even remember that original thread I should have started 3 sentences because i was golden but it will come back and this is training anyway. The race comes later whatever that means.
This is me teaching mysekf to be patient zero.
So I can teach a machine, or other people, to be the sequenced data.
D4.5 at the start. 130 instead of 170 which is good. That might have been the drugs and not the behavioural offloading. It was both.
S3 still with the floatyhand.
and NE was up at 4.5 there for a while too but is down to about 1.5 now. That one jets around fast too.
So I think serotonin is more like a global tone of wellbeing.
Dopamine is so many things and so very powerful and I’m going to say every article that people should stop dopamine hacking becaise I nearly died and
Dopamine is the local tone of wellbeing AND the tone of acute motivation AND the receptiveness to ideas
NE is anxiety, I think. Not fear. I think fear is more deep rooted and comes back to dopamine.
Dopamine is how we encode memories and how we brainwash. It’s how we motivate and demotivate, It’s how we think. It’s how we move. Seriously. Google it.
This molecule is probably the single most powerful substance in your body and mind. Your mind, which shapes all, is shaped by dopamine.
And here we are fucking biohacking.
And IU was one of the best.
And Peter Attia I’m gonna name and shame you now mate.
Because your intentions are most certainly good and you’re a step better than Huberman in terms of being considered.
Bear with hr 130
you are condiered but you are focused on prductivity again. Do you view the adult as a way to poduce the optimal corpse. Are you serious with 4 lifting 5 aerobic and god knows what else for exercise at age 40? 100 year old olympics?
It sells books but I was training for ironman world championships - successfully - and I shook my head at your recommendations. Even half of them would kill someone if held for over 5 years, eventually. I know because I did it. It will break their dopamine system and they will kill themselves.
And I am still shitting myself about ari but as mentioned it’s something else and it’s gated by the medical profession. Fucking apples and cold plunges is not, and they feel good as someone with fucked dope and you know what?
Not your fault mate.
It’s dopamine.
Dopamine addiction fucking idiots.
DOPAMINE IS THOUGHT
Fucking thought addicion.
I think therefore I am.
Fuciking book sales.
Athletic greens.
Fuck.
C’mon guys.
You wanna fucking help?
You fucking help me.
I will build the business which helps the world.
And I’m not manic I am D4 you fucks and you know what that means.
And you can ask the fuck around Tokyo whether I have the drive and the fucking balls and the sheer force of will and straight of arrowness of a fuck to fucking do this.
You think a fucking liar who wants money will be talking like this>
That’ll do.
I’ve something to put a bow on.
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