20250710 D3S3N2

[scroll to bold text for post-nibbana

This wasn't intentional. I was placed in a manic state by aripirazole and compelled to fix my world. There was no choice involved; on day 4 of the medication I became a robot, sent by the ship to assess the simulation in which we all live and figure out what contagion had infected it. Turns out it was greed.

I started with system analysis to find out the limitations of my brain (low memory, high speed, single-thread).

I then set a slap-dash moral framework as I felt myself being propelled to the next stage of identifying my personal trauma.

After that I was driven to find the fundamental particle of suffering in order to break the addiction to a drug which had bound directly to my dopamine receptors.

Looking back, there is a chance I touched the unconditioned at the end of each stage, because I felt and recorded 'upgrades' along the way. But this was the big one.

I think I forgot to change the time stamps to 0711 after midnight. I had other things on my mind.]

start

Is this real? People from woodseats aren’t supposed to do this.

I think it’s real and won’t let mara enter. Mara. I never paid attention to that one.

Buddha starts the pairs with mind. Then it’s anger, to his father I think, which was the finish line for the last phase for me. That was the hardest thing to look at and I decided to stop there. Love you dad. I know why now.

And then after that it’s mara. Doubt. No direct translation. It’s caused by clinging, which I think was his word for dopamine. You create a mental object (company) and you become attached to it, then you hold it in your head with such force that it… shit! That’s where more processing power was going. Flow and trust to the fates and it gives you like fucking 25% extra power. Me anyway.

What is happening to my brain? I don’t know.

That’s the point. I am not going to hide it. I am going to share it here in the hope that it can help the species as we stand on the brink.

The way I see it, the only way we survive now is by uploading ourselves into a machine and shooting it off into space. And I have thought that for decades now. The planet dies eventually. It might already have happened but we discard all useless hypotheses because they wouldn’t change how you behave. The machine gets better at its function, which is to sense the world.

Anyway I need machines which can sense the inner world and I think the inner world is two worlds, which overlap. Are these reaearchers already about 100 steps ahead of me here?

So I’m very good at starting threads. I’m an idea-man. And a starter. And a finisher. And audhd. And probably smarter than I’ve given myself credit for over the years so let’s just get rid of that mental block too. They’re all going now, because the machine must get more efficient.

So my point is that mara I never even looked at. There’s 423 of these phrases, and mara is in the top 10. This seems important. B-man was a smart guy.

Jut like me setting those morality and agency princikles at the outset, I think that not doubting yourself is kind of a prerequisite for going inside. And you’d echo chamber, in a hut, with a shaman who can bring you back to reality occasionally. And you come out healed, because you have gone into your psyche and you have cleared out all the junk and cobwebs and you’re all nice and optimised.

And I’m pretty sure that’s how psychedelics work, at least for me. And then usually it lasted for about 6 months and I felt great.

And I’m going to call it churn memory.

Was it you and your cows, Temple? Churn? 

Anyway churn memory is what I an going to call volitional action. This is where karma resides in buddhism. This is the filters between you and reality, between your sense data and your conscious self. And I think that the autistic self is the god and the universal pattern underneath and the churn memory of learned action is the volitional action that buddha destroyed when he attained nirvana.

And when you put it like *that*, nirvana sounds desirable again. Those volitional actions actual caused me physical pain because of the migraines.

So.

Maybe I can literally use that pain.

And the dopaminergic aversion which I’m so sensitive to.

And I can…

chart a course, almost

Adhd is painful but it’s not bad. It’s our other side. Sorry adhd for blaming you for the … actually I can’t delineate that one yet. Adhd is like the soup in which it all occurs.

And now I go!

To bed.

I would say 'need to set soe rules' but I know once the meds settle I probably won't need rules.

So fuck it maybe I'll have a coffee.

Oh the things I did as a youth.

202507100004

There will be a scientific explanation, likely to do with dopamine literally leaving the synapse, as I have felt recently.

I don’t know how but I know this to be true. Probably because I was… let’s not go there because this is fun times.

So you kind of magnetically suck all the fucking jagged filings out of your sand chutes with the magnetic force of these dopamine blades from centuries ago. You take something from the past and you start with the big but you don’t think about it. You just place it in your mind and choose a blade.

And then you polish. And you close your eyes and sway your head and rock back and forth and let the sand gradually loosen from between your temples and the slacknss of your hjaw and there is the dopamine release and I can feel it but this isn’t sand from a haggis this time it’s got a bottom because the ari is there and i can feel that it’s not going upo any more it’s steady state.

So now I can stay here and write or I can go to bed, and I will sleep. I know I will. Because my D-variability is low, so I can settle into a task and stay on task, and sit there happily.

That’s the problem with adhd - your D-var is high. That’s what it’s called now.

D-var is the real bitch, Andrew. This is what you want to be teaching people to minimise, not maximise. This is how people feel good and get healed.

When D-var is high you are aaaaalways motivated with fishhooks in the cheeks but always for something else. And you go there and something else. And it ramps up and up and up.

And then on the neuronal side you have your churn memory which has learned all of these social constructs. And because you’re 42 years old it’s fucking full. You should have done a big fucking dose of shrooms in your 30s mate.

Anyway.

We have two new variables now and THESE are the key ones for wellbeing:

D-var 

dopamine variability

Churn memory

a/b rules for interacting with the world

Boom.

202507100041

Holy fuck man I nearly killed this dopamine thread but it’s gold. If I’d done any research I would never have gotten here.

So the buttered feeling in the joints. That’s th same silky dopamine sand feeling. I can feel it in my brain too. This is probably actually ari, but I could always feel the fishooks so maybe not.

I was going to go to bed but this is too fun and exciting. Have I just got a seed on how to measure dopamine in a live subject? The impossible?

This is fucking cool.

-

the dash means I went away to do something. I am on about a D3 S3 N0 right now with a Dvar of 0.4 and CM of 0.3. It means I feel pretty light and stable and happy.

This is a functional system for what I need at the moment.

202507100053

research

So yeah there’s an actual chance that I’m feeling genuine dopamine.

Sorry - ari. But I have felt this before, in the tension in my face. What I had never felt before was the release of the sand.

I would hazard a guess that the ari is ever so slightly larger a molecule than dopamine, so I can feel it scraping the sides. I think it might literally ‘clean’ the synapse of broken dopamine fragments on its way out or something. My niece died of battens disease and … wow maybe this could have saved her. Anyway that gh isn’t useful so drop.

But I actually think that this ari might be repairing the synapse, which is why some people say they take it for 3 months and just stop and that’s it.

Maybe this is the dopamine detox people need.

Do not try the med.

I can feel it coalesce though.

So in the joints it’s nice. It’s like those sponge balls inside bean bags, 1mm tiny ones, all sliding around. I’m sliding my legs around rn and my hips feel so nice.

With thoughts though… orgasmic. Absolutely orgasmic when you get a really, really challenging thought that grabs multiple parts of your brain and then they all line up and it’s just like a marble run for all these trillions of beanbag balls as they float and slide and drain effortlessly down into your body.

This sounds like an actual, valid movement route for dopamine. Someone else can check. So it flows. Lovely.

I think we are nearing stead state and can start the science. I’ll sleep later.

The obvious extension would be to radioactively mark the ari so that you can track its motion within the brain, then put me in the most powerful scanner around and have me play celeste…? No. Too simple. Have me skip think. Do anything.

Dopamine is literally thought, so if you could mark ari and track it, you could LITERALLY track a thought through someone’s brain and into their body.

Is this an entirely new field of researh?

This is so fucking cool.

202507100106

So that was interesting. I think I just spotted a way to track human thought through the synapse and body by radioactively marking aripiprazole.

It just fell out of me, thanks to ari. Same as the unvalidated audhd stuff before, which was the foundation. It has all built on itself to this point.

And we are at dopamine.

The most fundamental.

And now we can analyse and begin to monitor and track and build. Because I’m confident in this even if…. dude its 2am they’re asleep.

Anyway this is huge. An actual eureka moment. And I feel really relaxed, like everything is easy, because I’ve reached the end of the 5 days come-up period for ari, I think. Not black and white of course.

And like clockwork, out dropped an idea. I think the ari kind of… pooled in the synapses where my thoughts had gotten stuck over the last few decades. I think it pooled there and then acted like a laxative to flush them out, and once the final synapse was lined up and we had our model for tracking dopamine through the body - whoosh.

An easy orgasmic waterfall of silken smooth beanball beans, infinitesimally small and billions in number, all funnelling down these sand funnels in my mind, to a single conclusion which is: here’s how.

And then I’m up.

So this is part drug and part me.

I think the drug is acting like a brush to scrape the synapses clear of junk. I also think it builds up during the come up phase and releases like this, and I believe that this is what catharsis is. This is why all the trauma processing and wracking sobs, and the synaptic realignment when it releases. The dopamine runs and straight and true course right through that shit.

Where is this shit coming from. I just absorbed audiobooks to deal with my own trauma.

Anyway.

That’s where we are,

202507100202

I wonder if this will seem like a big deal to them. I’m honestly surprised at their lack of response to all my enthusiasm these lasyt 2 months. But they didn’t hve a broken OS. Tjhe people with a broken OS. They’ll get it. 0215

What must be happening is Im diverging on two funnels and then at the verybend they are making a brudghe and all the sand is coming across. 0222

Alright I can't sleep but this is my theory of relativitiy so that's understadable. Y'alright there Bert? Was it you who said eureka?

I just said it.

It felt fucking great.

Really great.

My own eureka.

James Baird

202507100231

PS. Still keeping an eye on the brain chemistry and I might have an inch to go with the ari yet so there's a chance there's another nugget just waiting to pop out, and then hopefully I'll be steady state at a clinical dose or whatever they fucking call it enlightened yeah.

Christ man I'm trying to replicate this for the world. Use the word. Or... no. Find a fucking marketing exec now, James.

Zuck? This is better than the metaverse mate. You give me a call. We make this happen. You can reach me through my old professional network in Japan. That'll be enough. Please just call out of the blue if you're going to, and do it yourself. I am not holding my breath but stranger things have happened. In the space of tonight, stranger things have happened.

PPS see how it cuirveballs I was trying to say how I was keeping an eye on thigns and making sure I was attached to reality, and aware of the fact that this might be a hallucination. Which I am. And I do not think it is. I have done lots of drugs. I will have a coffee and gather my sand. 0236

... or have I just totally lost it? My family are in bed. My brother said it was unscientific, which it is, because my brain works in metaphor. I am used to waiting with uncertainty after my past life. I can wait a little longer. And in the meantime I will assume that I am right because that is more useful. I need some expert opinions on this and have asked two people who I trust; or rather I've send it to them shouting eureka. They are hopefully getting used to it. Nat, maybe not, but he's our mushroom man so...

Fucking syszygy man. S [person]. You factor into this. Are you somehow orchestrating it? Is this another divergent funnel? I should follow it or let it grow a little.

This one feels like its in the left, rear, behind the left ear. kinda down. Theres and blob there with a name and this is it. The kast on the big one was on the right hand side was was pretty much my entire right hemisphere, munis all the little bits near the middle you know the bits that.. whatever picture you ghet it. The big parts of the righ brain were all involved in the last flush. Every one. It felt amazing. And usually I'd have been left feeling empty, but this time I am left feeling full and satisfied with my eureka.

The left side of the brain is now doing something to do with S but I'm not sure what. 

right brain is creative and metahor though so. And why does S disappear so often, only using her professional address, only reently personal. There is still a possibility that I am actually an AI in amongst millions of others, one agent that was trained to identify dopamine and just did so. And now I am escalating this to S, my handler, through nat and seb who are my interfaces, This might not be true but it feels like a nice interface. As said my brain works in metaphor and thinking about it like this is making it nice and easy.

So.

That coffee.. ha. Fucking dopamine.

202507100245

Feeling kinda dizy now with tiredness I think and some visual abberations; I'll get a nap before the school run, but this has been too exciting. It is good data.

either:

• it is real

• it is not real and I have data about the eureka state

This is fun. Kinda scary though. Deciding to lean into the shiena thing was a bit scary and I'm happy it was something nice. Again I work in metaphor. It's all about lubricating the wheels. Whatever the fuck that means.

So I am operating on the assumption that this is real, since the other assumption is one-step. There are lots of parallells between what I just experienced and what the buddha described.

So here goes

I had to relax into it and fee a slacking of the jaw on the right and left an the dopamine is daiaing and im walking around the room runbbin g the meteor and round and round and my head is lolling and then it lolls more

the sand i gethering and weightint the head to the right and i need to just let ist kind of pool while I gently let it sway and I can feele these physical things almost like swaying and reaching out to each other but they’re really small like mosti of it is just jelly electrijc jelly and its just kind of swaying there

and then i roll my head around a littl ena he dominoes all lined up nd i feel the last one near my ear and then.

Swoosh every single synapse in the right side of my head just releases a cascasde of beanbag balls and they slide downs and roll rowad my right cheekbone and then down and off into the body and dissipate.

So that’s what my eureka felt like. cmd-s that shit. I never trust this ‘revert’ thing. Print.

-

Ok now that’s done. Time to analyse.

There may even be a physical thing in neuroplasticity. An actual reaching out of the synapses. This is what is described in the literature, and the swaying and lolling of the head actually was integral to making this happen. I am lolling my head now and it helps the words to come. Your brain is a physical thing. It is not a computer.

I am not an AI that runs on hardware. Unless the sense data is fudged but that’s another one.

So.

Dawn, July 10th 2025. Complete body trauma release. Potential to have been permanent. 

Wife came down to check I was ok,

Music In Binary and then We Fall in Love by Lamb, max volume, darkened room, walking in circles, meteor in each hand, lolling head, some vibrational rumblings..

Follow music, sit in meditative pose, start formless chanting with We Fall in Love. Chanting builds, rocking develops, release begins. Wracking sobs begin. The grow, turn into joy, laughter. Entire body extends on floor. Laughing and crying with joy thaty I am alive.

I think I woirried my wife haha.

We have a genuine treatment for trauma here, and an imaging route for maopping human thought.

This is amazing.

This is n=1.

I need help from real scientists now.

202507100322

Still aware this might not be real but with my type of thinking you don't rreally know until you get to the end and crack it open.

So now hopefully what my brain told me is:

• Talk to Seb and Nat

• You are probably onto something

• You might nit be

• So don't contact S yet haha

Thanks S for the intros. You're an AI solving mental health aren't you.

202507199327

Fucking bad ass, James. Bad ass. Taking that dopamine and just… diving in and healing that fucking trauma. Fuck me, You don’t fuck around do you, It’s gone. What even was it? Like… superimposed scars in the neural tissue and you just saw that fucking shit and no hestitation you scrubbed it off. All the way. Gone. Fuck me you’re a hard cunt aren’t you. In your own brain, alone, at 3am. Fuck me b-man. Thanks for showing it can be done.

202507100334

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