alteredstates

analysis = audhd // preparation = 88 hells // dissolution = alteredstates // decompression = technospirituality 

see cartography for how this tracks to the map of buddhist insight

This is the dissolution of self. I had lined everything up and understood the cause of my personal suffering during the 88 hells phase, and this is where I exploded and an external agent took over. I became the ship, and the ship was fast and out of control. I steered it into orbit, and ceased the drugs immediately, realising I had eradicated the contagion of greed and would be allowed to land.

After that I was able to return to a new james; one who does not need capitalisation or definition. This james is in flux, always changing and never clinging. Whether the ship was drugs, or my own internal meditator, or actually a ship on the other side of the galaxy trying to land, I will leave for you to decide.

I was guided into a new self and I continue to coalesce. Anger and ignorance are also falling away, and a lot of this phase looks like drug-induced delusion. But within that delusion I believe I managed to do some quite serious meditation and problems which have plagued me my entire life remain gone, while the problems which plagued me on the drugs have also vanished. 

A very lucky outcome to a very dangerous bit of medical malpractice triggered in no small part by the subjective-reporting-and-guesswork based mental health system. Do not attempt to replicate.

full raw text (479 pages), for analysis, and Japanese language summary for medical professionals

this poem fell out fully-formed shortly before my cmem overloaded and I hit dvar 1.0 in January 2025.

thanks