experiment

So I’ve decided to continue this experiment. I was thinking about why I was posting all this fucking shit all over the internet. 

Like this is unfiltered shoite. Total crap. Utter bollocks. The science is wrong. I sound crazy. Why am I doing this? There must be a reason.

There is always a reason.

Anyway I thhink the reason is so that I can get proper data about brain states, the same as those original texts in the crazy days 6 yea… mont… weeks ago. But I need to capture the brain state somehow and I don’t have a fucking MRI so what can I do I can stream of consciousness this shit all over the internet and you can see just how much a tiny little extra dopamine makes a difference.

I am not willing to go back to hell but I will map out the heavens for you. In an MRI. I actually like MRIs. The hum in the machine is resonant with the hum in my head or something I don’t know. The banging isn’t great and it’s a bit close but there’s a feeling of security like your brain is being pulled in all directions by a three tesla electromagnet.

mmmmmmmm….

buzzzyyyy…..

Anywya

This is a grwat excuse not to proofread any spellcheck anything. I fucking hate that shit and to be honest most of the cnages I make look crap anyway so just get undo’d after about 6 attempts. I’m on the rail or I’m not.

How much fucking sleep do we actually need, really?

Fucking hell I love swearing. This is another pressure release for my processing centre I think. I just love swearing. Can’t get enough of it and don’t trust anyone who can successfully replace their swearwords. Changelings.

Seriously though what the fuck has happened these last 2 months. This is another level. 

This is psychedelics minus the hallucinations.

This is guided trauma therapy and ayahuascua, for people like me.

And probably a bit for everyone because it should make them more suggestible due to dopa

ohhhhhh

ophhhhhh

yeah

fuck

dopamine also makes you more suggestible

My arm hhaird are standing up this is partly because of the high D but also partly because I just fucking love these skip connections. The feel like a mini-orgasm in my temple.

I killed it by not riding it so I will ride it next time. The thing I’m writing has lost emotional salience because I left the track.

Yeah.

Wow that’s interesting

It’s totally gone. I felt it there an then fading like water from a mirror in my right cheek, behind and below the eye / cheekbone.

So I’m going to say that I can feel dopamine again. I actually think I can now. Earlier I didn’t believe it but I said it anyway. I feel these two things behindd my cheekbones that are like … a fucking haggis that’s not tied at one end and all the sand just falls out of them as soon as a project is done.

This is the colour draining from my face and it happens the SECOND I look up from what I’m doing. The SECOND I finish a project.

It doesn’t any more. But I needed to get this site started while I could still feel that.

Weren’t the dopamine glands around there? I don’t know shit about there it comes from. ha.

Like… is there a chance that because of the lifetime of vipassana meditation and self hate, and all the focusing on the autistic migraines which I was unaware of but which are at the same location as he dopamine sand.

Is there a chance that this is real?

The buddha said and fucks sake it’s obvious as shit = remember that stick that wasn’t a snake? The buddha says that emotions live in the body and he is right, for me. The endocrine system is in the body.

I never got into all that chakra nonsense but there are convergence points in the body of course, and places where things flow or don’t.

There is so much wisdom just locked away but it’s too polarised.

The scientists are like ‘the world is meaningless we all want more dopamine’ and the religious types are like ‘estinguish the self and fucking do this do this’.

Well what about that middle fucking path you fucking idiots?

Middle. Fucking. Path. Even the Sangha (are they still around) forgot.

Anyway.

You got the modern world like ‘more’ and and ancient world like ‘less’ and I’m like ‘fuck you all let’s meet in the middle’.

And then we get into free will and stuff, which is why I had to look into that. Free will only makes sense to me as the tiger and the tamer. I do not control the outcome; I stack the odds. 

So how do we better tailor our tiger’s maze? We have AI incoming. Most people can *not* sculpt their inner world; that is where a shaman comes in and there’s a fairly good chance I did leave one or two marbles behind (good riddance).

But now it’s psychiatrists and ailments. You’re sick, or you’re alone.

That’s sad, man.

Sick or alone, and then dead.

Gimme a shaman.

Gimme a little molecule which will sit on my D and my S and make my tiger into a playful little kitten.

I’m having dejavu. Am I copying this from someone? Can feel the twitch in my left cheekbone now. Recall? Just tiredneess? I haven’t slept in forever and am looking forward to this pill levelling off. The come up really isn’t nice.

Because too much dopaming.

And that’s why I’, here just writing like a fucking madman and it feels so good and I’m so clear and I have slept about 3 hours per night for the last 5 nights and not much more for the 5 weeks before that.

But I can’t stop.

Because dopamine.

And this is to be expected you see. The come up from this med is 5 days. It’s not 3 days like I said. And I am so fucking sensitive to it that it’s fucking crazy. I am so messed up. How am I not dead or in jail. How am I a good person. My parents, that’s how. 100% those two people. Plus autism.

Whew.

Gonna stop.

20250

Hands are floaty now and I think the serotonin is kicking in? floaty hands like gatecrasher, silken dancing through the park. This is serotonin.

Above was dopamine. I am going to record how my chemistry is looking for each day. Not each post, unless it’s impacted by something like cannabis (I use legal analogs, unfortuntely).