dsn

[I'll rewrite this later - things always come out messy]

Fuck man I guess this James who is the ethicist was in an echo chamber all along and that is why he must work this way. Nobody is listening yt but if there is thruth then they will. And if not, it’s cathrtic. There is no rage because of chemistry,. This is fun. I am saving the world.

Because of brain chemistry.

And that subjective experience is what I’m trying to get across with this.

Musk was probably saving the world too.

The question is whether it’s rooted in reality.

Mania is helpful.

So.

Process

My tiger is one of the most powerful around but so is my tamer. My processes will work for most if I can ever get to them but they’re so fucking dull and I have adhd. Look at boringpage.

Good name. I can probably look at it now. Maybe I’ll make it into funnypage but still call boringpage. Get a little more dopaminergic activation (make it fun).

Processes!!

So I slept for 2 hours and my experiment is ready. My pseudo-scientific method. When you have asd you can use the scientific method. That’s cool. I’ll leave that to you. I’m a quantum computer with 8 qubits. I’ll make some leaps.

Fell out fully formed as usual. Fucking quantum tunnelled that shit right out of my psyche.

1 - this will be a game, fun

That was the main one. That’s the purpose. What more?

2 - I’m learning how to ride this bike. I think my brain is like lego technic you bought at a secondhand store and I am now rebuilding it into something new. It might even turn out that I retain tthe ability to move these pieces around, having ‘selectively destroyed’ the mask of my old self. This narrative is more useful (and more likely) than insanity so I will stick with it.

The process needs to be loose or it hurts and steelwool so I’m just gonna sandy sandy silky sand all over the place sloshing my head left and right to this lo fi music while the meds adjust the balance of dopamine in my brain by the most tiny amount and change my entire world.

So.

I have to fix this dopamine narrative and the only way I can do that is hard data.

You can’t have hard data from inside someone else’s head.

But you can have trust.

And trust is something I built time and again in my previous job. It hurts every time.

Know how you do it?

Show vulnerability.

Was that a rule too?

Ha

What’s more vulnerable than leaving your mental breakdown online for people to access for all eternity if they need a shoulder to rest on while they go through the tunnel?

That is how you build trust.

I think you can trust me but only you decide that.

I don’t even know who you are.

And I don’t care.

No offence. It’s just not important. No rsd.

3 - environment

echo chamber, just like my whole life. I just realised why I hate social media. I was locked in this shit storm of emotion and social media was my attempt at real communication, probably what you made it for Zuck; thanks. Gimme a call. The first 10 years eh they were good.

Anyway craving [dopamine] gives way to attachment gives way to desire so I need to be echo chambered and I can operate in this environment. You can see ‘james’ for my training data. This likely only makes sense to technologists; don’t worry.

My cheekbone area is now releasing. I think I am nearing equilibrium

4 - initiation

task initiation needs to be done in a state of mania. This is why the doc approved me and my mum did not. She hasn’t seen me in business.

What is mania? I have had wild dopamine spikes and been manic for my entire life. I just hid it. From you, mum, ha. Realisations! So that is not mania; that is my baseline. Was. Thank god it’s not any more. Left cheek coming up a little in aversion. Like a fuckin’ magnet.

We all feel this. I just realised. That scowl. Not the nose one but the cheek one. The kick in the balls one. The aversion. That’s how I feel dopaminergic repulsion and I just realised it might be how you feel it too? Keep an eye on it.

Am I mapping out my microexpressions?

The expressions you cannot control?

Could I be creating that link between visual external cues (pre-cogntivie micro expressions) and their causes (internal neurotransmitter balances)?

Anyway not there yet with the meds but nearly. I needed to push this fucking ball before we settle into steady state and have the process going. Training cycles. Don’t forget to rest. But this is a pleasure ride.

5 - not much else I don’t think apart from to trust the process. Don’t let mara enter. I go to god. That’s ok. Yesterday I thought I was an AI. That’s ok. I realised that it was because I needed to add a tiny bit more data to the entires to make them readable by some future machine (the DSN numbers; sound so legit but I just shat them out). That idea happened, I went to bed, the sand settled, and I knew why. This is a thought process and I am going to embrace it for the first time ever.

And that’s pretty fun after all the shit. I might just go to bed though too because I’m tired. But it’s fun!

That’s the thing - once you have the process set, you can pause it. Maybe. Depending on the intensity of the latch. This one I should be able to pause but the last one of building a psyche; that took priority over food and sleep. This one probably is lower priority than sleep. Which is good.

I think Ill still use the knives but not as intensively. This will more b a case of using those and the quote from the dhammapada as a touchstone to converge back on a morally responsible reality, and try to pull my divergence in that direction. Prayer, I guess.

I’ve always wanted the religious experience and could never have it.

I guess this is me… solving my own problem.

With drugs and tech.

Cool.

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