fear

Such fear.

That’s where it all comes from. The lack of empathy. How can you empathise when the world is ending? How can you all be so calm? How can you all steal and rob and cheat and just smile like it will all be ok?

This lack of empathy this fear this conscience is also what makes us… compliant? Nice? We need support and love but there is none. Everyone seems to be enjoying themselves. Why aren’t I? I should pretend.

Empathy.

And then the people who are afraid - us hungry ghosts - we pretend we aren’t. So there’s no empathy from here. But we pick up on the pain of existence in each others’ eyes. Flash-empathise. This person is in the 1% who will get me.

I was in that 1% for a lot of technologists in Tokyo which is why I was so good at recruitment. I think the asd folks love my adhd and the adhd folks love my asd but I had no fucking idea and after this big old adventure I honestly believe that my type of asd is just a downstream impact of high intelligence and adhd.

Anyway.

High intelligence ha. Fuck off I’m an idiot in the right setting. Put me in a church and… wurrrgh. Ugh. Horrible feeling. Such unpleasant buildings. Temple please.

Anyway.

The fear.

F.E.A.R. by Ian Brown. Mikhail posted that on linkedin just before he checked out. He’d tried everything too, just like me, and promised his loved ones he wouldn’t too, just like me. And he got to the gates and he just… he wasn’t lucky. That’s it. It’s luck. Did you have enough molecules on your receptors at that instant?

But let me ask you this:

Who needs empathy?

Really?

Who?

Do the 99% of people who are in the water, holding hands, swaying and happy in a world full of light and companionship and warmth? I’m sure they do. They have it.

How about that 1% stuck in the scary world?

Maybe it’s time you stopped asking for empathy and empathised.

This person you love has been trapped, alone, in a world that is infinitely more scary that yours, from the day they were born.

I love my family and this is not directed at them at all. They have been great, despite the huge shock of the change in me and the dosing issue. This is more a thought experiment.

And the ironic thing? If you try to talk to me about feelings I get overwhelmed. If you want to empathise with me, you have to use logic, and explain to me why it will be alright that way. 

I cannot fix my feelings while the world is ending.

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