priests [before]
All these years trying to dance to the neurotypical tune, tripping over your feet, unaware. The power of numbers is irrefutable.
How did I not know? Rsd and being in permanent fight or flight. I needed allies against an unperceived threat, and nobody would confirm their allegiance.
It’s hard even looking back to be honest so I’m not going to yet. I started writing and realised that I was again putting myself below them. They are my friends and I don’t think they ever put me below. It was me who did it to myself, because of the insecurity caused by adhd dopamine dysregulation. Insecurity which is made worse with dopamine hacking.
Anyway there was no dopamine hacking back then but there were numbers and I was beaten and called autistic while people did down-syndrome impressions. So until about 2 months before diagnosis, that was my impression of autism. All I knew is: people with autism get hurt I don’t want to get hurt so I don’t have autism.
But I do.
And I need this label for my self respect.
Because I’m a good person and I think that people who are raised in scary worlds tend to be so. It’s the threat of god. It’s why the priests were autistic. Because they can stay aloof, detached from the waves of emotion, and analyse them logically, bringing the flock back into a happy equilibrium where necessary. And it physically hurts them when they see injustice.
Now this sounds egomaniacal, yeah? In our current narrative. The idea that a divergent group and a convergent group could somehow ebb and flow and achieve far more together than they ever could alone. The book Global Brain made a big impression on me a decade or so ago. I recommend reading it. I know that my recent echo chamber session would have ended in another dimension if I hadn’t had my family to converge me back.
The water is more powerful than the rocks, the adhd more powerful than the autism in me, until medicated. Maybe it’s the internal conflict and inner turmoil which makes an ethicist. Someone who is always looking for the least bad, as opposed to the most good.
I’ve been getting scammed everywhere lately. It’s kinda funny and I give them a bit of autistic venom and they kinda skulk off without saying anything. Because these people know it will be alright. They were born into a world where everything will be alright.
I’m not talking about neurotypical people here by the way. I’m talking about scammers, which I would say are edging toward hungry ghost but not quite there. They will be.
They have a certain brain chemistry that convinces them that everything will be ok. They also process emotion before logic. So they’re like ‘I want this money and it will be ok’ so they just act. This is the unrestrained endocrine system. The desire and craving without an overarching framework to keep it on the straight and narrow. So they steal.
I’m D+2; S+1 right now so I’m happy to turn the other cheek. The old me would have been more D-3, S-2 so he would have been so angry, and would have latched on, and would have given himself autistic processing migraines that he had his whole life and used as a form of self punishment to distract from the adhd and has only just realised this in the last couple of hours.
My brain chemistry now says it’s ok that they steal. Their brain chemistry says it’s ok. Is it ok?
Yes.
That’s the interesting conclusion with the rules I’ve made.
We likely need to move towards a genuine bastardisation of Iain M Banks’ Culture civilisation where there is no proprietorship, especially now at the brink of AI, but I was in the system and you can’t really affect meaningful ‘framework level’ change.
Now I just fire words into this echo chamber ha! On what… like 20 hours of sleep for the week? And more coherent than the last 42 years because D+2.
AI will create frameworks for us as humans and we will either be functional drones or we will be liberated. If we are functional drones, then believe me when I say that every single one of us is going to be a hungry ghost. Every one.
Because the people in charge of the AI are hungry ghosts who are using it to hack into your dopamine system.
And you can see hungryghost for the rest.
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