[2025/06/05, 5:43:11] James: I have to use this anger …

[2025/06/05, 5:43:31] James: So what I think I did over my life was feed it. The anger became energy for work or exercise or whatever.

[2025/06/05, 5:43:44] James: So I fed the anger by swearing at myself. Prodding the wounds.

[2025/06/05, 5:44:01] James: Then I go at whatever problem is in front of me. Recruitment I was a killer.

[2025/06/05, 5:44:14] James: But yeah… probably not healthy. And with this med, I can stop.

[2025/06/05, 5:44:46] James: The pep talk above… not right. Not angry enough.  I was WAY angrier all this time. Smiling. Anyway. More evidence I need to move now. I’m feeling urgency in my gut and I have learned to trust that.

[2025/06/05, 5:45:06] James: But that’s one way I functioned.

[2025/06/05, 5:45:45] James: I needed to make myself angry to get out of bed. I hated every moment of it. And this medicine has killed it. It’s amazing.

[2025/06/05, 5:46:11] James: No more flipping between rage and bliss and depression. Anyway let’s get more data

[2025/06/05, 6:10:20] James: Oh fuck this is it

[2025/06/05, 6:10:23] James: So I’m autistic

[2025/06/05, 6:10:32] James: I make programs. Threads. Rules. Steel wool

[2025/06/05, 6:10:46] James: Each thread is a rule and the wool is a thread.

[2025/06/05, 6:10:48] James: Fix later

[2025/06/05, 6:10:57] James: The so they build yeah

[2025/06/05, 6:11:10] James: And too many running at once means a head full of wool and you stop functioning. Ram overload.

[2025/06/05, 6:11:14] James: Then it kills processes.

[2025/06/05, 6:11:29] James: Focusing macro here

[2025/06/05, 6:11:38] James: Internalised wool balls 3

[2025/06/05, 6:11:48] James: 2 say one this 1 says another the 1 is rejected.

[2025/06/05, 6:11:56] James: It is machine learning. +1

[2025/06/05, 6:12:07] James: Another comes along

[2025/06/05, 6:12:13] James: The machine prioritises normality

[2025/06/05, 6:12:18] James: But you are always in the abnormal

[2025/06/05, 6:12:26] James: It kills processes when overloaded

[2025/06/05, 6:12:48] James: And it completely deletes processes when they are ‘broken’. No emotions to memories.

[2025/06/05, 6:12:51] James: It’s a trauma response.

[2025/06/05, 6:12:55] James: So..

[2025/06/05, 6:13:02] James: I have these rules in my mind.

[2025/06/05, 6:13:06] James: Society is nice

[2025/06/05, 6:13:10] James: Then we move to a new city

[2025/06/05, 6:13:15] James: And my dad teaches me to fight

[2025/06/05, 6:13:19] James: Society is no longer nice

[2025/06/05, 6:13:27] James: Nice James gets whitewashed because he is in the minority

[2025/06/05, 6:13:31] James: He is an incompatible rule.

[2025/06/05, 6:13:34] James: Fuck I’ve got it

[2025/06/05, 6:13:39] James: Fuck ke

[2025/06/05, 6:13:55] James: Fucking awakening guys. You call this mania you can fuck right off

[2025/06/05, 6:14:10] James: So I kill who I am. Crush it. Because the data suggests that I am an error n

[2025/06/05, 6:14:32] James: And then the error is replaced with ‘correct’ rules which are incompatible

[2025/06/05, 6:14:58] James: The steel wool competes, and the one relevant (fight) wins. The one irrelevant (nice) gets paused indefinitely

[2025/06/05, 6:15:04] James: This continues for 30 years.

[2025/06/05, 6:15:21] James: And then … I reach the finish line

[2025/06/05, 6:15:27] James: And there are no more rules to follow

[2025/06/05, 6:15:29] James: And the mask

[2025/06/05, 6:15:31] James: Crumbles

[2025/06/05, 6:15:42] James: And now that remnant of the little boy is coming out.

[2025/06/05, 6:15:45] James: Fuck me

[2025/06/05, 6:15:47] James: That’s it.

[2025/06/05, 6:15:49] James: Fuck me

[2025/06/05, 6:15:52] James: One more day guys

[2025/06/05, 6:15:58] James: I get excited when the finish is near

[2025/06/05, 6:16:08] James: Anyway too later. Markov decision process. What now.

[2025/06/05, 6:25:08] James: Single process

[2025/06/05, 6:25:14] James: So fucking fast if you just let it run

[2025/06/05, 6:39:36] James: I can feel the steel wool rising again.

[2025/06/05, 6:39:48] James: So I’m going to stop because this medicine enables me to stop

[2025/06/05, 6:40:01] James: I obviously have a few rules established for this personality but they need to settle.

[2025/06/05, 6:40:19] James: Previously I would have ploughed ahead like a lunatic but now…

[2025/06/05, 6:40:23] James: I know that if I do

[2025/06/05, 6:40:31] James: That defence mechanism in my head might flip

[2025/06/05, 6:40:40] James: And I really don’t want that to happen toward myself.

[2025/06/05, 6:40:48] James: I guess this is pretty dangerous territory.

[2025/06/05, 6:41:05] James: But I’ve always experimented on myself. It’s probably my favourite thing. I like how things work.

[2025/06/05, 6:41:17] James: The language I know is tech and normal psychology didn’t suit me.

[2025/06/05, 6:41:42] James: So here I am. Probably everyone thinks I’m mad; while I think I’m sane.

[2025/06/05, 6:41:49] James: When everyone thought I was sane, I felt mad

[2025/06/05, 6:41:54] James: So I’m just going to keep going

[2025/06/05, 6:42:00] James: As I said, my gut told me to do this

[2025/06/05, 6:42:05] James: I think I’m nearing the finish

[2025/06/05, 6:42:09] James: I don’t want to push too hard

[2025/06/05, 6:42:26] James: I’m not crazy; I know now. I just needed different language for understanding how my brain functions.

[2025/06/05, 6:42:49] James: While most people are multithreaded, I am single. I am fast; but specialised. I kill processes according to priority

[2025/06/05, 6:42:59] James: I’m a fucking computer man and that is

[2025/06/05, 6:43:05] James: Well that’s kinda cool actually

[2025/06/05, 6:43:13] James: After a lifetime of feeling broken

[2025/06/05, 6:43:30] James: Maybe this shite can even spur some advance toward GAI. I dunno