[2025/06/06, 6:32:24] James: My life is so peaceful now.

[2025/06/06, 6:32:30] James: Choosing a blade for the day.

[2025/06/06, 6:32:37] James: Cicada warming up.

[2025/06/06, 6:32:43] James: And around me… storms

[2025/06/06, 6:32:48] James: But it’s all relative

[2025/06/06, 6:32:52] James: And I live in the house

[2025/06/06, 6:33:16] James: And i can now choose not to look out the windows for a bit while I work on my decorating.

[2025/06/06, 6:33:30] James: It buffets me occasionally but I have a baseline to return to

[2025/06/06, 6:33:34] James: I never had that before.

[2025/06/06, 6:33:37] James: So it’s all relative.

[2025/06/06, 6:33:46] James: I’m feeling everything that’s happening in my external life.

[2025/06/06, 6:33:49] James: But …

[2025/06/06, 6:34:00] James: It’s so much less painful than every second to date.

[2025/06/06, 6:34:03] James: And I had no idea.

[2025/06/06, 6:34:09] James: That is so fucking insane

[2025/06/06, 6:34:23] James: That I still shake my head multiple times an hour.

[2025/06/06, 6:34:26] James: So fucking insane.

[2025/06/06, 6:34:45] James: I just know in my guts that everything will be alright and I’m gonna help someone with this blog.

[2025/06/06, 6:34:49] James: Previously it was all doom

[2025/06/06, 6:34:56] James: Now I’m calm

[2025/06/06, 6:35:02] James: I used the anger as I always do

[2025/06/06, 6:35:07] James: To get the task initiated.

[2025/06/06, 6:35:12] James: Now it’s time to consolidate.

[2025/06/06, 6:35:16] James: Make it legible.

[2025/06/06, 6:35:25] James: Convince people I’m… what?

[2025/06/06, 6:35:27] James: Sand?

[2025/06/06, 6:35:32] James: Potato?

[2025/06/06, 6:35:35] James: Sane?

[2025/06/06, 6:35:45] James: Well by their standards I probably am not

[2025/06/06, 6:35:52] James: But my way of viewing the world is coherent

[2025/06/06, 6:35:58] James: I am a tree that grew through a fence

[2025/06/06, 6:36:16] James: And that’s ok

[2025/06/06, 6:36:26] James: Now it’s not covered in shit soup.

[2025/06/06, 6:46:39] James: ….

[2025/06/06, 6:46:45] James: I’ve always liked symbols

[2025/06/06, 6:46:52] James: I feel like these knives

[2025/06/06, 6:46:58] James: Are pieces of my past

[2025/06/06, 6:47:15] James: And I’m taking them out and deciding how much rust to remove. How to shape them.

[2025/06/06, 6:47:22] James: It’s my own form of meditation.

[2025/06/06, 6:47:27] James: My own 道

[2025/06/06, 6:47:34] James: Which is all I ever wanted.

[2025/06/06, 6:47:39] James: ….

[2025/06/06, 7:12:46] James: …

[2025/06/06, 7:12:51] James: So I keep coming back to Buddhism.

[2025/06/06, 7:13:27] James: Enlightenment is something that many people have achieved many times over, remember. The Buddha just taught the way.

[2025/06/06, 7:13:47] James: Well there’s a possibility that the Buddha somehow changed his dopamine signalling in a similar manner to me

[2025/06/06, 7:14:13] James: And remember that this is all relativistic

[2025/06/06, 7:14:47] James: The type of thing that I am talking about is personal to me and you would not experience it the same way

[2025/06/06, 7:14:55] James: Because all it is is a narrowing of the band.

[2025/06/06, 7:15:02] James: Less highs. Less lows. More smooth.

[2025/06/06, 7:15:18] James: I think the Buddha had ADHD.

[2025/06/06, 8:04:07] James: This is so fucking weird. I’m totally recalibrating. Finally getting to the fundamental problems I’ve always searched for

[2025/06/06, 8:04:13] James: The previous solutions were botches.

[2025/06/06, 8:04:20] James: Just slapped on to make me look normal

[2025/06/06, 8:04:28] James: These… I’m 42 and have life experience

[2025/06/06, 8:04:32] James: Oh speaking of!!!

[2025/06/06, 8:04:36] James: Great news!!!

[2025/06/06, 8:04:53] James: I scrolled through some photos of my life and they actually looked like MY life!

[2025/06/06, 8:05:08] James: This recalibration is ongoing. It won’t take forever but the changes are fascinating.

[2025/06/06, 8:05:29] James: I’ll try to stick to scientific language going forward but subjective I feel like Buddhist language is better suited so use that.

[2025/06/06, 9:31:43] James: Maybe I read so much as a kid to teach myself to communicate

[2025/06/06, 9:31:54] James: I don’t really remember when I read. The words just kind of… flow?

[2025/06/06, 9:32:12] James: They always have. It’s like water in a river cross section.

[2025/06/06, 9:32:27] James: Yet somehow I know if they’ve been registered or if I need to re read it 5 times.

[2025/06/06, 9:32:33] James: My ADHD was bad, I think.

[2025/06/06, 9:32:34] James: Real bad.

[2025/06/06, 9:32:38] James: Like fucking bad

[2025/06/06, 9:33:00] James: I think my working memory is on the low end, even for ADHD folks.

[2025/06/06, 9:33:33] James: The Buddha talked about living in the moment

[2025/06/06, 9:33:36] James: And I have no choice.

[2025/06/06, 9:33:45] James: But I can enjoy it now

[2025/06/06, 9:33:56] James: And my brain isn’t pulled around by fishhooks. Not so much.

[2025/06/06, 9:34:02] James: 42

[2025/06/06, 9:34:05] James: The meaning of life.

[2025/06/06, 9:34:18] James: I cracked a joke to my mum the other day that I’d achieve enlightenment on my birthday.

[2025/06/06, 9:34:25] James: Don’t get carried away there, autism

[2025/06/06, 9:34:32] James: Haha

[2025/06/06, 9:34:54] James: One can hope. Although retaining a few attachments is preferable.

[2025/06/06, 9:35:01] James: I feel like I can choose them now.

[2025/06/06, 11:43:25] James: Ha

[2025/06/06, 11:43:27] James: Anyway.

[2025/06/06, 11:43:39] James: My nervous system is switching from sympathetic to para.

[2025/06/06, 11:43:44] James: Never known it.

[2025/06/06, 11:43:50] James: This is why I had to use the last of my fight.

[2025/06/06, 11:44:00] James: Because it is going. The world isn’t scary any more

[2025/06/06, 11:44:06] James: And if the world isn’t scary any more,

[2025/06/06, 11:44:11] James: Why restrain adrenaline?

[2025/06/06, 11:44:15] James: Adrenaline can be fun!

[2025/06/06, 11:44:18] James: But one step at a time

[2025/06/06, 11:44:30] James: Compiling a beta. So this shitty code is legible.

[2025/06/06, 11:45:08] James: It would probably help me hold things in mind too

[2025/06/06, 11:45:15] James: So I needed a shield

[2025/06/06, 11:45:18] James: And it was great.

[2025/06/06, 11:45:22] James: But now I’ve found a home

[2025/06/06, 11:45:27] James: And the shield can be left at the door.

[2025/06/06, 11:45:33] James: I know it’s there if I need it.

[2025/06/06, 12:03:09] James: So this is like after a fight

[2025/06/06, 12:03:15] James: That lasted 42 years

[2025/06/06, 12:03:23] James: The adrenaline has gone

[2025/06/06, 12:03:37] James: And I think some bone deep fatigue is now competing with the joy of life

[2025/06/06, 12:03:41] James: Both are new.

[2025/06/06, 12:03:51] James: Both are appropriate responses.

[2025/06/06, 12:03:52] James: Good.

[2025/06/06, 12:03:54] James: ….

[2025/06/06, 12:07:49] James: I suppose the thing about the memory is that you forget shit

[2025/06/06, 12:07:51] James: Bad shit

[2025/06/06, 12:07:52] James: That happened

[2025/06/06, 12:07:58] James: That other people haven’t forgotten

[2025/06/06, 12:08:06] James: And then you get medicated and are happy for the first time ever

[2025/06/06, 12:08:17] James: While their RAM is still full of the shit from the last year.

[2025/06/06, 12:08:32] James: So that’s a disconnect

[2025/06/06, 12:08:45] James: Then you go slack faced and get all excited about saving the world

[2025/06/06, 12:08:48] James: Fucking loonie

[2025/06/06, 12:08:53] James: But

[2025/06/06, 12:09:01] James: It’s part of the system. How the brain works.

[2025/06/06, 12:09:04] James: It can’t be changed.

[2025/06/06, 12:09:09] James: But now we know the problem.

[2025/06/06, 12:09:13] James: We can find a solution.

[2025/06/06, 15:21:09] James: Each knife is a person or thing.

[2025/06/06, 15:21:19] James: I am making them beautiful

[2025/06/06, 15:21:23] James: Changing their spirit

[2025/06/06, 15:21:30] James: Into the shape they should be

[2025/06/06, 15:21:35] James: They are rusted. Corroded.

[2025/06/06, 15:21:40] James: Some might be beyond repair.

[2025/06/06, 15:21:46] James: But I’ll try.

[2025/06/06, 15:21:50] James: And if it doesn’t work.

[2025/06/06, 15:21:53] James: I’ll know I tried.

[2025/06/06, 15:56:13] James: I honestly wonder if the Buddha did have AuDHD or something. Maybe this is why nirvana is so elusive: you have to be sick to be able to attain it?